Your Friday Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a lovely young woman -- ok, maybe pushing it a little on the young, but this is a fairy tale and I am writing it.

Anyway, our lovely -- and hot -- young red head had recently started participating in cultural ritual known in some circles as "dating". The object of her affection was a young man -- and yes, YOUNG man, not using creative license on that one - named Joe. He was cute and a chef. Not a skinny chef. My mother always said never trust a skinny chef.
I digress.

As the "dating" continued, our heroine decided that it was time to share her happy news with her family. Now, this was an easy feat for her because her family did not live in the same kingdom as our heroine. And when she told them she was greeted with smiles and happiness -- and a ton of questions and stupid, lacking perspective statements like "when you are ready to go shopping for that white dress you just let us know". But that is for another fairy tale.

As for our hero, he took a more conservative approach. Conservative in this fairy tale means telling everyone in his family except for his mother, father and oldest sister.

Days passed and the happy couple discussed all sorts of things that were important to the kingdom. One day, the young hero said to the fair lady, "I would like you to meet the rest of my family" And she agreed, and so a proclamation went forth throughout the kingdom. Meghan would be dining with Joe and his family in celebration of his youngest brothers birthday. Joe then told his family about our heroine -- regaling them with tales of her beauty, wit, intelligence and overall wonderfulness (remember, this is MY fairy tale, I get to exaggerate where I want to).

A few days before this meeting of the large clan of Joe, Meghan partook in her usual woodland routine on a Thursday. She slaved away all day in the salt mines of the cruel boss Sanjay, met with her friends Martine and Nate for the watching of the magic box called TV -- and then proceeded to Joe's place of toil to wait for him to finish his hard work of the day.

As she approached the large castle like fortress that was called Cafe Di Scala, she noticed a group of travelers entering the restaurant.

"Hmm" she thought to herself, "this will mean that Joe will have to toil even longer before he will be done for the evening."

And she was saddened by that thought. But she persevered.

She entered the cafe, and from the door caught a glimpse of Joe sitting and talking to the group of weary travelers that had entered just before her. She wondered if they had Joe under a spell of some sort, as he seemed happy to see people there at 9:40 at night. As our heroine looked closer at the scene before her, she began to recognize some of the faces of the weary travelers -- one was Joe's brother -- one of the many of the clan -- and as she kept looking, our fair maiden had a blinding realization.... this was the family she was to meet at the grand dinner the following week.

She turned to the other people who toil at the fortress/restaurant and they said to her

-"Wow, I didn't realize you were that tight with Joe's family already". To which Meghan replied "I'm not"...

-"What??, you didn't come in with them?"

-"No, I didn't"

-"You have never met them?" asked another of the weary women who just wanted to go home.

-"No, I haven't"

At this point, in our story, you have all realized what is about to happen.

So, the maiden approaches her fair knight, and says "Hello"
To which he says -- "Perfect timing, Meghan this is my mom Mary, my Dad Rick and my brother from California, Pat"

Handshakes and hugs were abound, with comments of "Nice to meet you"

All the while, she is thinking "How freakin' appropriate is it that I meet his family in a bar?" So, the molten nectar of the gods known as red wine was poured, our hero went back to the slaving hot kitchen to prepare sustenance for his family and the game of 20 questions commenced.

As the evening came to a close, good-byes were said as the great McConville clan decided to return to their own castle. But, the youngest (not the youngest of the clan, he is still in high school and was at home studying for his algebra final) Pat, said, "you should come out and join us for a adult beverage."

And Meghan being a kind and benevolent girlfriend realized how important it was to hang out with your brothers -- said sure, but only for one.
So she and Joe took the electric blue carriage to another place to meet up with the brothers Pat & Casey.
As they get there, the magic cell phone rang and Pat says to his older brother, make sure you get an extra seat -- Katie is going to stop by.

Katie is the oldest of the great clan.

Katie is married with two children.

Katie NEVER goes out on school nights, much less at 11 PM at night.

Joe looks at Meghan and says "You know what just happened? Pat called Katie as she was getting off of work and said... we are going to meet Joe and his GIRLFRIEND is with him"

So she came as well.

And they talked. And they played 20 questions again. - with all the same questions. And finally after her one beer as promised, it was time to go home.

And so the magic blue bug took them home.

So our hero and heroine finally went to sleep and she knew that she had done well and that the great birthday dinner next week would be much easier now.
And thus, the evening in the Kingdom of Midtown came to a close.

The moral of this story: I should know by now that if you meet a boy in a bar, he works as a chef it is only logical that your first meeting of his ENTIRE freakin' family is at a bar as well. At least there was red wine to help ease the conversation along. :)

Back from the Dead

**YAWN***
Slowly emerges from 6 week long slumber.
Rubs sleep from eyes, looks around.

Ok, I wasn't REALLY sleeping for 6 weeks. In fact, quite the contrary. I have been working my not-so-little hiney off.
Lets see.
Where to begin, there is so much and yet SO little to discuss.

Work has been in a word: out-of-this-world-upper-stratosphere-of-busy-insanity.
And yes, that is a technical term.
Major project release, temp resources, weekly trips to the Quad Cities (oh yeah -- hotbed of excitement that one) and some long ass work weeks.
This has been the bulk of what I have been doing.
That and family stuff.
My Grandmother had her 90th birthday mid-July. This is the one that keeps getting herself into trouble with her less than stellar behavior.

But isn't she cute with her birthday hat on? We had a nice time. Good chunk of the family was there. That weekend re-enforced the fact that I am in FACT related to a good portion of North Eastern Iowa. I mean, like 80 people there and in some way, I was related to all of them.
Bizarro.


And then in a twist of fate, only possible in my family -- she passed away 10 days later.
So we got to do the whole family insanity thing again, this time with all the extra fun that comes with an Irish-catholic funeral.
Let me tell you, it is something to behold. I mean, I am always amazed at how these things play out. It is the strangest combination of uproarious laughter, crying, drinking and eating. And it can be one or all 4 of those things in combination at the same time.
I am also pleased to report that I was able to go into the church, attend a full mass and NOT be struck down by lightening. A fact both myself and my sister commented on.
Of course, I was balancing that whole week with the fact that it was our release week for another part of the application we are developing, so I spent some time in our Cedar Rapids office when I wasn't in funeral mode.
For the record, I have driven in major cities with very little problem. Give me a decent map and I can get around.
I CANNOT get around downtown Cedar Rapids without 3 wrong turns and backtracking like 10 blocks. Don't know why, but that downtown is ridiculous.

So after all that played out... Resumed work as usual. And just in time for Julie and Scott to come into town for a few days of celebrating all that is tacky and oddly Iowa.
They came in on a Thursday night - stayed until Monday AM. So we took in a few choice things in and around the Des Moines area.
Talladega Nights -- saw it.

"I'm gonna come AT you Chip"

has to be one of my new favorite quotes. That and the group favorite

"Tractor Beam of Hotness"

I laughed a lot during that movie. We all did.
Julie and Scott also did a little something special to commemorate their wedding annivesary.
It was a permanent decision and involved ink and needles.
Yep, they got tattooed. And I was there to watch the whole thing. It was quite the night. For the record, they looked AMAZING. I will track down some pics of them.
It was fun to be on the other side of that experience for once. Watching each one of them work through the pain in different ways. If you see Scott, ask about how often that needle goes into the skin -- I believe he worked that one out after counting down from 1,000.
We had a good time.

And then, it was time for the big dog. The Grandaddy of Mid-American Cliche's
The Iowa State Fair.
Yes. We went. For a whole day. We grazed, we drank, we mocked, we awed, we starting smelling like the pigs at the end of the day.
All in all a good time. A few highlights....
The Prize Bull -- coming in at 3090 Lbs
Meet "Blacky" - extra points were given for creative naming....












There was the patriotic...












The Obvious












And the most ridiculous thing that two grown men (Nate and Scott, you know who you are) could point and giggle at....
















And yes, that is Waldo, the prize pig. He came in at a svelte 1199 lbs.

All in all a good trip. I am not sure if Julie and Scott will ever come back -- you can only see so many couples with 4 teeth BETWEEN them before you get a little overwhelmed.
So that was the trip in a nutshell. And for the record:

• Fried chicken on a stick
• Fried cheese on a stick
• Porkchop on a stick
• Corndogs
• Funnel cakes

And we tried for the twinkes, but the line was stupid long. So not only did we get our "fair-0n" we also gained 30 lbs.

And the only other area that warrants discussion at this point is of course the matchmaking.
Or MASSIVE lack thereof.
I shall not bother with the details at this point -- frankly, I get pissed whenever I think about it. At this point, nasty letters have been sent, no matches have actually come to any sort of fruition and I have my lawyer friends giving me legal recommendations....
Stay tuned for that one.
I think this means that somone in the cosmos is telling me to just take a break for a little while.
Either that, or I am 150% destined to date a 40 year old with 3 kids.
Lets hope for the former.
I am expecting a call back sometime today. We shall see. And so, with the marathon post, photos and whatnot, it is time for me to call it a day. I of course, have a ga-zillion things to do, but motivation today is pretty low. Which is scary, because by the end of the week, I will be kicking myself for not getting stuff done.
Whee.


Oh yeah,
Now Playing: Sufjan Stevens

Go West Young Woman

Now Watching: The Daily Show

So, got to go to the Quad Cities today...
Go ahead, envy me.
Really... green yet??
Envy anyone??

Alright, I will stop.
So I am cruising down I-80 headed East .... and just before you hit the Quad Cities, you hit the WORLD'S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP

Drum roll....
**Iowa 80**

Lets take a look at all the beauty that you can find at this place...
Iowa Shot Glass -- check
POW/MIA Badge for your leather vest -- check
Puerto Rican Flag -- check
Wrench -- check
Ceramic Wolf Statue -- check
Bald Eagle/American Flag t-shirt -- check
oh, and for good measure, lets throw in a crystal dolphin and a china doll for the kids.

This place is mecca for all that is fruitful and trucky.
So today, as I am driving by, there is a huge sign advertising the "Iowa 80 Truck Jamboree" -- BBQ, vendors and a beauty competition -- FOR YOUR TRUCK!!
A freakin' 16 wheeler beauty competition.
This is the state that I live in.


So worked all the live long day in the lovely downtown of Moline, IL.
And while I was toiling away I found this little story....
I have been trumped. My potential of literary glory is now gone. The british chick stole my book. Before I even did anything about it. I am a slacker.
Nothing new on the boy front. The Love Guru is slacking as well. Frankly, I am going to open a can on him if things don't get better before tomorrow AM. If I don't, Martine certainly will.

Ok - short one for tonight. I have to go hang with my cats -- they currently hate me.

I leave you with this...
As Chris pointed out this weekend.
Shaun of the Dead
See the movie. It is hysterical.

Independence Day, Jason Vorhees & Wal-Mart

Now watching: The Daily Show
And yes, it is a re-run and it is STILL funny.

Happy belated 4th of July. I am pleased to report that I managed to get out of town for FOUR WHOLE DAYS and was out of cell phone range for pretty much the whole time.
Didn't watch TV.

Went up to Decorah, IA. Doesn't sound like much. Let me say, it is an amazing part of the state. Really beautiful. We rented a cabin like 15 miles outside of town. Well done Nate. He found the place. Slept like 10 people. Really cool cabin, lots of room, fire pit and the smelly-iest water I have ever showered in for like 4 days.
We went biking -- 20 miles, very pretty. Caught a Greg Brown concert that night in this amazing farm that saves and protects all types of seeds. We had a great night until Martine's sister Claire did the hail dance. She frolic'd and brought the rain and hail. It was short. So the concert was cool... and wet.
Canoeing all day down the Upper Iowa River. Had a blast. Martine and I made our canoe run on GRRRLL power. We did mange to flip the canoe. In all fairness, we were racing. We won. And then turned over.
We also managed to get some hiking in as well. And played the WORST boardgame ever. I mean ever.
So suffice it to say, we managed to make it through the weekend without being hacked to pieces by an axe murderer from the summer camp down the street. I think it was because there was not any promiscious teen-age sex going on. Or any virgins. Take your pick.
Did I mention that the only thing that I drank for 4 days was water, coffee, beer and wine.
That and SPF 30 -- SPORT was my new best friend.

Made it home in time on Wednesday to accidentally stumble onto a fireworks display.... in a Wal-Mart parking lot. I ask you, what could be more American than that? Well... how about the white trash 96' Pontiac -- whatever model it was -- parked next to us, wife beater in full effect telling Nate to "Turn that music off, I am only telling you once" --
We were listening to the 1812 Overture.
Yes. Highly offensive.
Especially when it comes to fireworks.
Perhaps we should have had the Skynard cranked. That would have made him happy. And to top it off, the fireworks display really felt like it had come from... Wal-Mart.
Here's to the land of the free and home of the wife beater!!!


So came back home and went from there. Nothing doing on the ground. Usual shit. Work, work and more work. The guy front is a little weird. I had to have a little one sided conversation with the Love Guru. Reminded him that when I said, I didn't want to date people with kids.... I sorta meant it. So we are waiting on the next one. I am sure this is part of the process. Or maybe I am just destined to be with a 40 year old divorecee with a kid.
The fates must have it out for me.


And in the biggest news of the week .....
Our good friends and dear members of the Urban Family, Jess and Adam got engaged yesterday.
So nothing but the utmost congrats to those kids. They deserve all the best. We are celebrating the news tomorrow over at Nate and Martines.
So that should bring us up to date in Meghan's bi-monthly posting. I must get better.

Lunch 101

Now Listening: KT Tunstall

Ok - this is annoying as all hell.
Its simple. You go into a sandwich shop.
Could be any sandwich shop. But for arguments sake, lets says it is also a BAGEL shop.
On the wall is a well thought out, professionally made sign letting you know what sandwiches you can have made for your lunchtime enjoyment.

You order one of the house specialties.
You think, hm... I shall enjoy this lovely sandwich while dining at my desk.
You even ask the smiling person behind the counter " Does that have the Thai Peanut Sauce on it?" to which she replies "Oh, it comes on the side"
You pay -- too much as usual.
And go back to your desk. Open the bag in eager anticipation of the lunch-y goodness that awaits you and realize....
The cute smiling MoMo who made your sandwich doesn't know the difference between Peanut Sauce and Peanut Butter.

I think this might be like, the 5th sign that the apocalypse is upon us.
Meanwhile, my sandwich sucked.

Back By Popular Demand

Now Watching: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

So there are enough of you that read this that have given me a ration of crap over my lack of posting lately.
Well played all of you.
Well played, indeed.

Its just that I have been working like a crazy woman and the last thing that has held my interest when i get home is actually firing up the computer.
That and the online thing has been in a holding pattern....
That is until late last week/early this week.

The first one has arrived.
Jason the Love Guru has chosen and he has sent Mark my way.
Mark is 39. A banker. Sounds like a nice enough guy.
Cute. Dark hair.
To the best of my knowledge: No children, does not think of Applebee's as a culinary delight, spells well and from what I can tell, doesn't believe that NASCAR is a clothing style. Or a lifestyle for that matter.
So now I am in waiting pattern. According the Love Guru -- we are to wait a few days and see what happens.

Ps - Chewie rocks. So does Yoda.
"The boy you trained, gone he is"
Yoda is one bad-ass little green man.

Not sure exactly what the next steps are. Jason is supposed to let me know when he hears back from the match and then we go from there.

I did have a birthday this week. Let me tell you -- with every year after 30 the need for celebration gets less and less enticing. Especially when your b-day is a monday.
Bleh.
But much love to all those that came out for drinks and stuck around for dinner.
I had a good night.

On an additional side note, i have turned into a lazy pig.
Since Martine went all Bruce Lee on me and busted up her knee, I have been minus a work out partner.
And without a workout partner, I just don't quite have the energy to get up in the AM.
I have to be the only person who puts on weight in the summer and loses it in the winter.
Makes PERFECT sense.

• Tank Top = more celulite.
• Turtleneck = 6 pack abs.

Ok, a 6 pack is a stretch. more like a liter bottle ...
But is it the principle people.

So there it is. A short update at best. But a start it is.
Back on the wagon I jump.
Giddy-Up

The Thousand Dollar Answer

Now Playing: Iron & Wine

Not sure if anyone is even READING this anymore.
I have been most terrible in the blogsphere of late.
There is talk of me losing my blog-credentials if I don't stay current.

So here I am.
I have discovered a new truth.
When it is a Friday before a long weekend, your office is rapidly becoming a ghost town and you have more work that you can mentally wrap your arms around....
You blog.

In all fairness, I am eating lunch, so this SORTA counts as a lunch break.
the man can't come down on me for that.
NSA maybe,
Man. No.

So what you ask, have I been up to for the last, erm... 2 weeks??
Well.
Hm.
Certainly HASN'T been any action on the online front.
There were two inquires that made me laugh...
One from our friends at Match.com and another from Perfectmatch.com.
Match.com
22 year old.
In Ames.
Leaving in 3 weeks to go to culinary school on the East Coast.
Tells me in his profile that he if he is not working, he is out boozing it up with his buddies.

So, in his infinite 22-year old wisdom, he has decided that in the THREE weeks he has left in town, he should hang out with a 30 year old who might just come along to his keg-stand parties and go from there???
This is one of those fork-in-the-road moments.
Will I regret this the rest of my life? could this be the one for me?

Oh wait.
Nevermind.
No -- and no. I don't feel that I even have to explain myself on this one. Oh, and there was this... I am fairly confident that one of the pictures he posted was from PROM!!!!
Yeah. right.

Round II
**bell sounds**

Perfectmatch.com.
Which is so far removed from PERFECT, that it isn't even funny.
I got an email this week.
Lets give it a read, shall we??

I think yopu are really nice and I am interested in your person. I you are
looking for long term relationship, please contact me at xxx ya hoo .
com for privacy.Waiting eagerly for your reply. Receive my best
greetings.Bigo.

Now, Bigo lives in the Dominican Republic.
I am sure Bigo is a lovely gentleman.
But what is UP with the international crap from this site? How do they find me? I mean, they have to really look long and hard....
Or do they just grab zip codes they think are cool and go from there? Or did someone tell them, chase those Iowa girls -- you have a great shot, the competition there is men who like crappy chain restaurants and 60 year old Japanese business men -- who live in Japan.
Sheesh.

So. In light of this recent bout of activity, or lack thereof.
I did it.
I did it, BIG.
The executive matchmakers were contacted, paid and it has begun.
I had my introductory interview with them last night.
So there is a basic web form you fill out. Age, location, height -- generic enough stuff.
And then they get into all this crazy stuff.
Like, -- if you had to identify the things that have gone wrong in your past relationships, what would they be?
or
"What do you find physically attractive?"
Which in and of itself should be a simple answer. But it stumped me. I mean... think about it. One, my idea of "attractive" has changed since I was 16. Two, There are a number of occasions that I found someone more attractive as I got to know them.
Quite possible I am overreacting. Wouldn't be the first time.

So then they have this whole process.
They feed all my info into the system
Sort out the ones that don't meet basic criteria (location, age, etc)
Then they hand sort them
Then my counselor talks to the counselor of the person they think I should meet.
Then I get the introduction via email.
And before we talk, we are supposed to let the counselor know our initial thoughts.
After we meet, I have to let them know what I think
and then
Later, Rinse, Repeat.

They do one guy at a time. At least two a month and I can put my subscription on hold if I start dating someone.
This all takes about 2 weeks from the first interview.
So -- there it is. Now, THIS should be interesting.
Stay tuned for this one kids....

Other stuff.
Holiday weekend. No plans. Maybe last minute camping if we can get it thrown together.
Or not. Just laying low is ok too.

Mom. Doing well. Had another chemo treatment yesterday. So there is that. Strength is starting to come back from surgeries. So we are doing ok there -- at least for now.

I think that is it.
Natch.

The Thousand Dollar Question

Now Listening: Iron & Wine

I have been lax in my posting lately.
Yep.
I would offer some excuse, but I am terribly afraid I have no excuse.
Part of the lack of posting has come from the lack of online activity in the last week.
Now -- I will say this, when I signed up at PerfectMatch, I wasn't really expecting John Cusak to come knocking on my door.

That said, I wasn't expecting the distant chirping of crickets to be the only activity on the site.
It has been DEAD.
No matches
The ones I have contacted have not responded.
We are talking vast wasteland of online dating stagnation.

And I haven't even really made fun of any of them.
Is this cosmic payback for my mockery of all the others that have come before?
I even let Martine do some man-shopping on my behalf on Sunday -- and minus one guy that she wanted to send something to that I wouldn't give the nod to, there was nada.

-- For the record, the one guy that she wanted me to contact was 5'2".
Now, I don't have a lot of physical traits that are absolutes. I have several that I prefer... but who doesn't? But I am only 5'4". Being taller than me isn't a hard thing. Most people are. Being shorter than me by 2 inches --- sorry. Can't go there. Call me names, a snot, unwilling to try new things --- all those. Not going to change my mind on this one. You have to be at least my height or taller. With my shortness in play, this is not an eliminating factor for the majority of the male population.

So, this is what I have been thinking. I am giving SERIOUS consideration to the 6 month subscription to the actual matchmaking service. Price tag is a little high... but I have been doing the online thing on and off for close to two years and the results...
Well.
I am still looking at other dating options... that should tell you something.
And while I am guessing this potential group will not be as -- mock-worthy -- they might just be more date-worthy.
I think that is a trade I am willing to make.

What else?
I was driving home last night from work -- in a pretty piss-poor mood I might add, and I saw one of the funniest things I have seen in a while.
So at one of the intersections, there is a guy with a sign...
You know the type
homeless, need hot meal, vet -- God Bless, that sort of thing.
This guy cut to the chase and had I actually hit the red light, probably would have given him a few bucks just because he made me laugh.
His sign:

Why Lie?
Need a beer and taco

That was it.
Got a good laugh off of that one.
Not much else today -- I will check the online barren wastelands later today and see if my luck has changed :)

I leave you with this closing thought....
Nothing is better than falling asleep in clean sheets. It rocks.

Mensa Anyone??

Now Watching: The Daily Show

Congrats to Kim and Jason. Wedding this weekend was wonderful. Had a great time and everything was beautiful.
Pictures will be forthcoming at some point.

Been busy at work and that seems to be about it.
Mom seems to be doing well. She gets her staples out on Thursday and if she is doing well they are going to start the chemo back up.
Seems kinda backwards -- you are feeling better so we will start pumping you full of poison.
Medical logic is one I will never get.

Online world is chugging forward like it should.
Had a few interesting hits over the last few days.
One is from PerfectMatch -- which for the record has been less than Perfect in its matching.
Not a lot of activity.
But I did get an email from a guy in Japan.
Yes -- Japan. Small island nation on the Pacific ocean. HALF WAY AROUND THE WORLD.
Now, I have no issue with long distance relationships. It can create some unique issues -- especially starting a relationship that way. But I am not totally opposed to it.
That is until I got an email from a guy in Japan. I mean, if I was to call him... it would be tomorrow. Always. Tomorrow.
The logistics are really pushing the outer limits of what I am willing to try.
Oh...
and there is this little tidbit.

HE IS 60!!!!!!!!!!

For the record, that is older than my dad.
Ew.
Ew
Ew
Did I mention he was 60?
Yeah -- 2x my age.
Like was he looking through every woman on the site, or just decided a nice midwestern girl is what he wanted??
Suffice it to say, I don't see this one going anywhere.

I still have a profile up on Match.com and got this winner over the weekend...

patrickfromca


Ok - so this is him.
He is 42.

This is my favorite quote from his profile:

my education
My four degrees provide some interesting stories. However, the more
relevant question is "Are you comfortable with an unapologetic genius?"

So good to see that a healthy does of humility is at play here.
Now given that he has 4 degrees and is looking for:

Mensa membership is not required but a high EQ is desired

One would think that literacy would be a good skill of his.
Clearly not -- as he has FOUR children. Four.
One less than 5.
One more than 3.
Thanks Patrick from CA. I think, even with the temptation of your unapologetic genuis and IQ standards... I am going to have to pass on this one.

So that should bring us up to speed. 60 year old Japanese men and Mensa candidates who can't read.
My life is complete.

Executive Decision

Now Playing: Jill Scott

So I made it back home without issue.
I put somewhere in the neighborhood of 800 miles on my car last week.
The Bug was worn out.
And dirty. Ick.

So had a full, but laid back weekend.
Did some shopping, caught a baseball game, grilled out.
All good things.

Even got a little color -- now a healthy shade of pink.
But still mostly white. This reality will never change.

On the online front, I committed.
Yes -- surprise, you didn't feel the earth move or anything.
Anyway, I signed up for 3 whole months of PerfectMatch.
As much as I hope John Cusak shows up, not holding my breath.

This should be fun. Offers up the best of both worlds... they bring the Thai food to you AND I can go driving around for my own dinner as well.
Translation: They match me with people and I can still man-shop.
So a whole new group of men are unwillingly about to become fodder for the Meghan machine.
Whee!!!
So, you shall have to stay tuned.
They make you answer all these questions and then come up with a "type"
I am ..... drum roll please
RBOV

Risk Taker, Relaxed, Optimistic, Seeks Variety
You take chances, believe in yourself and look for interesting life
experiences. You are most likely willing to throw yourself into a love
relationship in a big way, and you generally want someone who feels the same
way. You want someone who is willing to give the relationship the time and
priority that you believe in. This would be overkill to many RAOV's; probably
not a good choice for you.

Side note, RAOV = Risk Taker, High Energy, Optimistic, Seeks Variety
So, we shall see what winning four letter combo works for me.

Darwins Secret

Now Playing: Erykah Badu

I am still in Kansas.
It is sorta like a bad dream.
Working in the burbs' , commuting 40 minutes every day, driving 10 minutes to get a decent cup of coffee...
the list goes on.
I will not bore you with my less-than-rockstar lifestyle this week.

I should update with the latest and greatest on dating...
Franklin's suggestion to solve my dating woes: Move to Austin.
Apparently you can just pick eligible, intelligent, gentleman off the dusty plains of Texas.
I knew I was going about this all wrong...
Kidding Frankels ... it was a sincere offer. He told me if I came to visit, I can have a date every night I am there.
Natch.

Mom unit came home last night.
It was... Interesting.
We found out what has been causing her to be so loopy the last few days -- they have been feeding her valium like breath mints.
Seems it was part of her prescription history, so they figured -- dish em' out.
It is actually only used to help her relax when she has MRI's.
But lets hear it for the doping friendly staff at KU Med. It has made for some RANDOM comments out her mouth.
Also discovered that my parents house in no way shape or form is designed for people who are less than 100% mobile.
And re-enforced the fact that my parents dog -- well, my Mom's dog -- is insane.


But what has really caught my eye over the last few days is this billboard that I see every morning on the way to work.
Little background on this one...
I graduated from a Kansas school. This was -- well, it will be 13 years this summer

Holy Shit... hadn't thought about that number in awhile.
I digress.

Since then the REALLY conservative members of the state school board managed to get Evolution OFF the state standardized tests. Leaving the scientific doors promptly closed for any conversation around Evolution vs. Creationism.

I think -- and I need to check this -- that they managed to get some form of evolution back on the exams. Not sure.
But this billboard....

Dark orange background.
The all-too-familiar shadow image of an upright gorilla/monkey/simian-type form

and it says in big, HUGE letters ...

Teach Evolution
But Teach it Honestly

What does that mean? And why does it need to be on a billboard?
Are we concerned that people are lying about evolution....

"See you came from horses... NOT monkeys, no wait, I mean dolphins, or ... "
That sort of thing?

This state kills me some times.
About as forward thinking as a slug.

And people call Iowa a fly-over state. We look positively liberal compared to this stuff.
And on that note, I have to go. I have a 40 minute drive home with all the other suburban lemmings.

We Are Not In Kansas Anymore

Now Watching: Wallace & Gromit

So here I sit in good ole' Lansing ....
Well, it doesn't get much better than this.
Actually it does.

Mom is still in the hospital. Can't seem to keep her fever in check.
Went to go see her this afternoon and she was all loopy from the drugs that they have her on.
Kinda funny.

Working out of the Kansas City office this week. I have discovered the following:

• I really hate commuting
  
• There are no decent coffee shops between my parents house and the KC offices.
  
• Working in downtown Des Moines has spoiled me. I hate the fact that from our KC office, you have to drive 10 minutes to even get a sandwich.

Not much to add today... kinda tired.
I did get an email from the Executive Iowa folks -- if I sign up now, I get an extra 3 months for my $1000 --- THREE WHOLE MONTHS.
So 9 months are all mine, should I choose to spend the money.
And the PerfectMatch people (think John Cusak) want me to get their service for a special 3 month deal -- MUST ACT NOW.
I feel like my dating has become a infomercial.
At least in 90 day increments.

Ok, More later.
I must go. The Daily Show is starting soon.

No Strings Attached

Now playing: The Perishers


New developments on the boy front.
So Mr. Poker and I have been doing to phone thing all week. Leave a voice mail, what are you doing tonight -- but never actually went out or anything.
So last night, he called and decided to come over.

So he did. We small talked for a bit, blah blah....
And then we get the epiphany

I will say this on the onset -- I have never met anyone who has LESS of a problem saying what is on their mind. You know exactly where you stand with this guy.

So he says, he has been doing a lot of thinking this week.
My instant thought is -- don't know this guy all that well, but when he says he has been thinking, prepare yourself for who-knows-what --

He goes on to say, he is in a position right now where he only wants to be doing things that are good for him -
And after we had dinner and then after we watched the movie and I went home, all he could think of was the ex-girlfriend.
This is **not** good for him.

continuing down this line of thought, he has given serious consideration to what he said to me last week.
Reminder for the kids in the back: Friends with benefits, hang out... that sort of thing.

He has come to the conclusion that one of two things need to happen between us for him to stick with the 'it has to be good for me' thought.
1) Just friends
or
2) Just benefits.

Interesting approach, natch.

Brain at this point is moving pretty fast trying to process and keep up.
I ask him what he wants...
He tells me he is in no position to set boundaries for us.
WTF?

So I now get to choose (and I think this one is pretty obvious) between ANOTHER male friend or an on-demand booty call.

At this point, Meghan mentally turns and begins wading back in to the tumultuous waters that are online dating....
How on EARTH do I attract these people? Jen had an interesting theory that due to my "unique" personality, I am drawn to people who are a little more eclectic and out of the norm.
This is probably a true statement. However, I don't feel that with that type of person I need to be picking up a 15 piece set of luggage.


I am now back to the pressing choice of which online venue I should choose for my next round of field research.
Comments, as always are welcome.

On the mom front:
Haven't actually talked to her. She doesn't have a phone in her room since she is in Neuro ICU.
And my dad can't use his cell due to the monitoring equipment.
So last update was the were struggling a little with pain management. The list he rattled off makes her sounds like Rush Limbaugh's best friend:

• Self medicated Morphine
• Vicodin
• Oxycotin
• And a few others I haven't heard of

So no word on when she will be out of the hospital. I am going home on Sunday and going to work out of our KC office next week. It is only about 30 minutes from my parents house and will allow me to give my dad a break at night and help around the house.
Good times.
So that is all from my corner of the world.
I am going to call that damn cabana boy - it has to be happy hour somewhere.

The All Clear

Short and sweet for right now...

Mom cleared surgery just fine. Didn't take quite as long as they had anticipated.
She is self medicating her pain meds, was sitting up this AM and seems to be doing ok with pain.

Meghan is feeling better -- cold is on the way out.
More later today.....

Exoskeleton or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle ?

Now listening: Tori Amos

So, my mom is having surgery today.
Almost didn't happen. Her white blood cell count was pretty low on Friday when she was doing all of her pre-Op work-ups.
They gave her some meds, checked again yesterday and so under the knife she went.

I was supposed to go home for this one. Big operation, fusing several of her vertebrae at her lower back together. But, I came down with a slight cold yesterday and when I was talking to my dad he heard a sniffle.
All the sudden he was Tom Smith, MD

"Do you have a cold, are you sick? Don't come. No use to us sick. You will do more harm than good"
So on and so forth.
thanks dad for making me feel wanted :)

Of course, it is the right call. With an already supressed immune system, don't want to introduce anything to the enviroment that could cause additional complications.

So, I called back last night. They were on the phone - my dad says he will call back. About 15 minutes later he does, from his cell.
My mom is on the home phone with who knows... she was Susy Social yesteday.
And my dad proceeds to tell me that I need to get healthy, take some time for myself -- etc, etc.
I am like, I know, I know.
He thinks that I am manifesting stress over my mom as a cold.
I was like -- well yes, that is about one-eigth of the equation.

• I just spent a crazy weekend in Chicago
• Working 12 hour days
• Had something going on every day last week
• Didn't work out

Myraid of things going on. Then he starts in on the "I need you for the long-haul here"

Weird. Maybe he was projecting onto me his freakout with the surgery.

Maybe I should stop using words like "projecting" & "manifesting". I sound like a therapist. And I am in NO position to be giving advice to anyone.

So - she is in surgery. Has been since 7 AM CST. Expecting a phone call sometime tonight around 7/8 PM -- yep, this takes that long. Kinda nice not to be at the hospital. Those waiting room chairs SUCK. You would think with all the money they are making and all the time that people sit just waiting, they would spend a few bucks on some comfy chairs. Nope.

When she gets done with surgery she gets to wear this full-upper-body brace that looks like a turtle shell. That will be on for an as-yet-determined amount of time.

On to lighter topics -

Debate of the day: I have talked to the date guy from last week every day since ....
But we haven't gone out. I still don't know what I want to do. And in the mean time, a girl I work with at the Cafe says to me, I have someone I want you to meet.
As Martine said -- When it rains it pours.
Oh and I got another bible-beater from eHarmony. Commonly known in some circles as "The Army"

The Number One Thing He Can't Live Without:
Christ

And he has a kid. I really think the whirring boxes at eHarmony are broken. Or a hacker broke in and changed the code to match people with the worst possible matches.
Alrighty then. At work, not really too focused on work today, but am going to attempt to get some stuff done round' this joint.

Pocket Full of Kryptonite

My kryptonite got married this weekend.

You all know what I mean. The one person that can drive you totally nuts.
The person that is all wrong for you, is a total cad, cheat, self-absorbed, makes bad choices, makes you make WORSE choices... well, I don't need to go on.
But despite that list, or maybe because of it -- you are powerless against them.

So, married.
Now, I officially and without fanfare, box it up, pack it in peat moss and ship it off on a slow boat to somewhere on the other side of the planet.
Bon Voyage.

I Just Bought Some New Samsonite

Now Playing: Damien Rice

I still owe you the full scoop on the Chicago weekend and Ms. Kim's last hurrah.
Alas - I have had more requests on the "date" front, so that will still have to wait.

So here we go
-- tighten your seatbelts kids, the ride is about to get a little crazy --

So last night after a few phone calls back and forth we decided to meet for sushi about 8:15 for dinner. His thought, as he said on the phone --
"Why bother with coffee or any of that, if it sucks, we will know and can call it."
Really can't argue with that.
So dinner it was.

I got there a few minutes ahead of him, and sat at the bar and ordered a glass of wine.
Not more than 5 minutes later -- he walked in.
So, deep voice, tall, very metro/European looking -- the clothes, the hair -- I think, this may not be so bad.
So he goes to check on seating, and comes back after telling me it is going to be 10-15 minute wait.
No problem.

So, the bartender offers him a drink.
He says "I don't drink"

This is the point that I about choke on my glass of wine.

I look at him and politely ask if it is an issue if *I* have a drink, he says of course not.

So we sit down to dinner at the sushi bar. Conversation is good. He has traveled extensively, lived overseas, large cities -- very not-Iowa-farm-boy.

Now, this particular sushi restaurant is known for their propensity to throw back large amounts of Sake bombs and one more than one occasion, shots of Hennessey (which for the record is GROSS)
And one more than one occasion, I have partaken in that very social activity.
So, we are sitting there chatting, eating our dinner and I can see that the sushi chefs are well are their way to tying one on ...
And so it begins:

Meghan, do a sake bomb with us

Meghan, need a shot?

Meghan, we have Hennessey

And I am sitting there with a man that not only doesn't drink, but has been sober for 9 years and still attends AA meetings.
Shots aren't really a great idea at this point.

So -- through the course of conversation I discover the following:
(and these are in no particular order)

1) the pre-established addict with no drinking (which is clearly NOT a negative, but a bit contrary to how I live my life)
2) He went to law school, but has spent the last 1.5 years as a professional poker player.
3) He broke up with his girlfriend of several years in February
4) The only reason that he is in Des Moines is because his mother is not doing well, he has no intention of staying here
5) He has no qualms about discussing his sexual past.

So, I am sorta reeling from all of this. We end dinner and he is like "What do you want to do?"
Now, normally, I would say... "Let's go get a drink and talk some more"
This is CLEARLY not an option.

So -- trying to get creative. We go for coffee.
So overall the date was good, intelligent guy, well traveled and read -- I mean this guy is upfront about anything.
and I do mean anything.
So at the end of the night he proceeds to tell me in no uncertain terms, that he is not sure how long he will be in Des Moines... but he has spent a lot of time thinking since his breakup and he is sure of the following:
He is pretty much emotionally unavailable (i hate that phrase, for the record) but is always looking for people to hang out with, he enjoyed our evening and would like to do it again, and really we could have lots of casual sex.

You read that right.

Not sure how many of you have gotten that level of honesty on a first date.
I can't fault him for being upfront.
But holy shit.
Although there is the tiny, miniscule part of me that thinks a friend with benefits may not be such a bad idea for a short term.
Of course, I will not go there.
Fleeting thought though it was...

So, there you go.
There really are no NORMAL men in this city.
No where.
I mean, come on.
I really don't know where to go from here...
The convent?

I tell you what, that $1000 is looking pretty reasonable right about now.

Stay tuned --- details at 10

Now playing: Maria Taylor


Ok - I owe you all like a dozen posts or something. For sure an update on the Chicago trip, the nastiest bathroom I have EVER gone into in my life -- And I lived in Eastern Europe for a year, do the math on that one. and all sorts of pictures of the most gi-normous limo I have ever seen.
All that will take a backseat for the immediate future, as I am at work and have a ga-zillion things I should be doing right now.

But check this, I have a date tonight.
A DATE!!!
A real god-honest date.

Holy shit.



For those of you that I had a previous commitment with tonight, apologies.
So, yes -- I am ditching book club for a date.
I am sure they will understand. If not, well --
Bygones.

So, I met this one online (please hold all snide comments for a moment) like a month ago. Seems normal. Likes Tom Robbins books, so can't be that bad. Looked somewhat normal.
Can use spell check and had no children. We traded a few emails that included a phone number exchange and then promptly never heard back from him.
Until Monday.
I was out celebrating with some co-workers as one of them is leaving for a new job, and my phone rang. Normally I don't answer the phone if I don't know the number. But I had a few beers at that point and nothing to eat -- so I picked up. It was him. Apparently, he had a family emergency and had to leave town for a few weeks. But wanted to touch base.
So there you have it. Tonight we meet.
Holy crap, I have to go shopping. I have nothing to wear.

I shall update later, but must go -- that pesky internet keeps calling and the cabana boy refuses to get up before noon to do my work for me.

Back in the Saddle

Hello??
Anyone there??

***timidly peeks around the corner***


Hi.
sorry.
I have been a little busy. Finding a spare, witty 15 minutes in a row has been a bit of an issue.
So where did we leave off??
Well.
I have been toying with several options on on the online front.
There is the Executive Iowa Dating site --- $1000 for 6 months of personal matchmaking.
Which I can get a free interview for.... its just the rest of the process that costs all the money.
I had sent an email in to "pre-qualify" the men in Iowa.
Turns out there were 187 men in the state of Iowa that had ponied up the cash for the ultimate in mid-west matchmaking.
As I read through the email, telling me about the process and the free interview -- there is a caveat note....

"And please make sure to review our rates. It does not serve any ones time to
continue this process if you are not willing to commit monetarily"

Nice.
Code for: If you are cheap, don't bother.

I did go ahead and fill out the eHarmony questionnaire. All 400 questions of it.
This means that they have started sending me Thai food, I mean men to consider.
All of which seem to be BIBLE THUMPERS.
Now,I haven't joined anything -- so I just get to read the profile information that is presented. Here are some of the examples:

That the woman that I love would love Christ first and most in her life.

Of the three things you are most thankful for:
Jesus

And there was the guy that listed the bible in his list of three thankful things.

Now, I get that there are people in this world that have more faith than me -- shocker.
And I do respect people's beliefs.
But man, how the whirring, black boxes at eHarmony thought that we would be a good match is beyond me.
Clearly they were having an off day.

Oh and even though my Match.com subscription ran out, my profile is still there. So last weekend was the weekend of the 48 year olds.
No lie.
5 of them. All 48 -- maybe one was 47, but still.

48!!!!!

That is almost 20 years older than me.
That is a lot of years.
A lot.
TWENTY.
That is 2/3 of my life.

"Hello Meghan, I am Earl the Old Guy and I am 2/3 of you life OLDER than you"

This is how I think.


So there is the online update.
Any suggestions and tips are of course, welcome.

What else?
There is the drunken wallpaper event.
Went over to my friend Kim's house to have a girls catch up night. Saw lots of friends I haven't seen in ages.
Well, we had a few drinks, catching up and what not and Kim showed us her remodeled bedroom. She lives in a old home with her boyfriend and they are working one room at a time.
I think I can say without offense to anyone -- specifically Kim & Bobby -- that whomever lived in that house prior to Bobby had a significant addiction to floral wall paper.
All over the house.
No lie.
All over.
So, as we are looking at the bedroom, we see a small section of wallpaper in the hall that had been removed. And we start feeling the walls for the seams from the wallpaper.
And we found them.
Now, at first, I pulled back. I was ITCHING to yank one of them and see what happened.
But, not my house.
So we joked about it.
Finally, Kim said " Go Ahead"
You have never seen women move so fast.
And it was awesome. If you have ever removed wallpaper, you know how satisfying it is when you get a big piece. This stuff was coming off by the yard. We had the entire hallway cleared in about 3 minutes.
Now I am sure that Kim will let us come back -- jury is still out on Bobby (he was out for the night)

Post script: I found out the next day that not only did he like it, but after a few more drinks with the girls (I had left at this point) that the same thing happened in the dining room.
Lesson here: Never let teachers on spring break into your home and feed them wine. You just might be re-doing you whole house before they leave.

What else?
Family update at large.
Went to Cedar Falls this weekend to see my grandma and help move her stuff out of her apartment.
It was good/bad.
Good: Saw all sorts of people I haven't seen in ages. Funny how that is the only time that family manages to get together is when things head south??
But it was good.
Bad -- my freaky uncle from Maine was there.
He is an ODD man.
He talks with an affected Irish-like accent. He is from Iowa. He lives in Maine.
Huh??
Like so weird, that I can't really even describe. He didn't know what "Desperate Housewives" was. I mean, come on -- must be a BIG rock in Maine.
On the grandma front -- not good. Nursing homes are horribly depressing. We will leave it at that.

Mom front.
She made the trip up. Did her first round of chemo last week. But she did well.
She had an MRI on Monday of this week and we will know tomorrow if she has to have another surgery. This would fuse together some of her vertebrae that are begining to deteriorate in her spine.
Stay tuned for all the spiney-goodness. Details later this week.

On to lighter topics...
Headed to Chicago this weekend for Ms. Kim's big bachelorette weekend. Should be fun. Caused some serious fits for Martine and I. I have NEVER spent this much time and headaches looking for a hotel.
Few things we found out:

• Opening baseball weekends mean NO hotels in Chicago.
• No matter how much you think is reasonable for a decent hotel, it is not enough.
• If you really want to stay at a hotel, call them. Odds are they are not fully booked like the website says they are.

So, we have someplace to stay that is not out by O'Hare and does not cost $500/night.

Whew.

I am sure I will have lots to report when we get back.

I should go now. Jon Stewart is on. I love him. I want to have a million of his babies.

All Smashed Up

Now Playing: Sia

Apologies for the lack of posting lately. Things have been a smidge chaotic around here. Not an excuse really, just the reality of the situation.
That and this new keyboard is still giving me fits.
I am typing MUCH slower these days.

So another St Pat's came and went. This year was odd for me. Very odd. I ended up having to work at the Cafe --
So I show up at 4:15 to get everything ready to go and no one is there except the line cook and the Sous Chef.
They are sober.
Thanks god.

So, I go about getting my stuff ready. No host, no waitresses, no owner --
NO BODY

About 4:30 (we open at 5) there is a flash of activity from the kitchen and in storms the rest of the nights staff.
And they are drunk.
They have been out celebrating the holiday. And the owner was the one buying.

-- I SOO never get a call when those things happen, but that is another issue --

So I am at work. The head chef is drunk, the waitresses are drunk and the owner is upstairs passed out in his apartment.
good times.
Of course, it is slow.
So the other chef and I decide we need to start catching up.
We actually had a small dinner crowd. Closed early, but I had a group at the bar -- quite entertaining they were!!
THE CIRCLE!!!!!

Anyhew-- finally got out of there about 11, went to one bar that was sorta Irish (ok -- English, which might actually be blasphemy, not sure) it was kinda lame. So we ended up at my favorite neighborhood bar -- where the shots commenced.
So -- good that I can walk home. But get this....
I am sitting there with my drunk co-workers accepting the fact that I am never going to catch up with them and one of the girls goes to introduce me to this guy that is a good friend of her boyfriend.
Turns out he knows me ... I take a closer look. Yep -- he and I had talked online earlier this fall. Nothing ever came of it b/c the few times he asked me out, I had a conflict.
So, here I am 4 months later, half-blitzed and this is the first impression.

I rock.
I totally rock.
I swear, my timing is flawless.

So, who knows what will come of that.

Rest of the weekend was low-key.
Although, I spent the better part of Sunday driving all over Des Moines (and for those of you in bigger cities -- I don't expect sympathy, but it was a long day) looking for a good, quirky gift shop.
They don't exist here.
Seems odd. More than odd really. And we also discovered that any small business -- except the witch shop --- is closed on Sundays.
But the witch shop was open. Martine has suggested that if I really want to take this meet someone thing to the next level, I need to consider spells. I just might.
I also was shopping around for other online options for dating.
There are tons.

Like this one:
http://www.platinumsinglesintroductions.com/

Or this one--
http://sugardaddie.com/ -- Can anyone say pimp me out?

There was one that right after asking your name asked you your net worth -- but I can't find the URL -- dammit!!

There is http://www.perfectmatch.com/ whose claim to fame is that it was the online engine used in Must Love Dogs
Now, if this will bring John Cusak to my door, then I am in.
I somehow doubt this.

And then there is my new favorite....
Executive Iowa Dating

Now for a mere $1000 for 6 months, I can personally be assisted in finding the perfect match.
In Des Moines
$1000 dollars.
Damn.
Although, I have had two VC angels express interest in funding my field research if I promise to write a book AND dedicate it to them.
You know who you are "Legal VC, LLC"

So silly, silly me. I thought my options were limited. Turns out on the internet NOTHING is limited.


Which brings us to today's topic of conversation.

** I will caveat this -- the following topic could make some men who read this slightly uncomfortable. Deal. This is reality. Your wives, girlfriends, mothers etc will have to or have had to go through this at some point. Suck up. **

As we all know, Meghan has a growing family history of breast cancer.
Mom - yep.
Aunt - yep
Great Aunt - yep.

So, my doctor tells me at my yearly physical -- also known in some circles as "The Annual" -- that I have to have a mammogram.
Now.
This year.

For those of you that don't know. Most women don't travel this path until sometime after 40 -- depending on your doctor.
So, I am a clear decade ahead of most of you.

Now -- we all know the basics of the mammogram.
X-ray the boobs.

Lets segue for a minute...
It is clear there are things that men invent and things that women invent.
Corsets -- clearly men
Bras -- men
hosiery -- men
mammogram machines -- you guessed it -- men.

Now, I am sure there are some things about being male that can be less than ideal.
But I don't think that turning & coughing is equal to a machine SQUEEZING your boobs together between two plates.
And that isn't really the worst part.
The worst part is the weird contortions that the radiologist is doing with said boobs trying to get them into perfect position.
They are stretched, pulled, pushed, and all the while your body is being pushed around like a Gumby doll around a huge metal machine that emits radiation.
Frankly, I can't think of a better way to spend a gray Monday morning...
Can you?

Lets just say, I have started the countdown for the next one.
In two years


So with that long and somewhat graphic post, I am out.
Need to find that leprechaun that I stuck in my pocket on Friday.
He has my whiskey.

Can a celibate life EVER look enticing?

Now Playing: George Michael
--yes, George Michael. Go ahead, make fun. The man is an under-appreciated musical GENIUS

Happy Birthday Courtney!!!
And happy Pi day to you all -- get it, 3.14 ?!?!?
This is what too much NPR gets you. That is one of the only stations that come in on my half broken stereo.

So it has been a few days since I have updated. Lots to talk about today. I will start with the delay in posting. Seems I am getting old. I had a tendinitis flare up in my wrist.
Not sure how. Not sure what I did. Not sure where it came from.
But typing for the last few days has SUCKED.
So, I got a new ergonomic keyboard.
Now I am learning to type all over again.
Which is my way of saying, typos are a given in this post.

So what is new in my small little corner of the world, you ask?
Aside from my renewed --and some would offer misplaced -- obsession with George Michael -- usual stuff.
Medical drama
Online dating humor
Work and life

-- I am pleased to report that there are no 3AM stories in this post.
Or for that matter, any criminal behaviors.

So lets tackle them in order shall we?

Medical --
Mom is ok. Docs can't quite figure out why they cannot stop the spread of cells to various parts of her skeleton. It has only moved to one small spot on her liver (which is viewed as good news -- I will NEVER understand the medical profession) but, they continue to find new activity all over her bones.
So -- she is going to start chemo back up. Not the chemo she has been taking, that was mild
no nausea, hair loss -- any of the usual stuff.
Nope -- they are going to start filling her up with the hardcore stuff again. Not sure when and for how long, but that is that.

Grandma is not doing great. Back in the hospital. Getting the "if you want to see her, you should get up here pronto" vibe from family that is there.
Which is always a good thing to hear.
So we are all going up as planned next weekend.
Who knows what will happen between now and then.
But get this -- my mom and my aunt have started writing her obituary. And...this is the best part ... can't agree on what they want.
HUH?
I mean the woman is still breathing!!!
I told my sister that we can never be those people.

On to lighter topics.
Match.com vs. eHarmony: The Smackdown

So, my match subscription ran out this week. Which presented me with a dilemma. Do I renew for another month of sub-standard, illiterate, thrice divorced, 42 year old fathers of 8 or do I move on to greener pastures??
Age old dilemma I know.

So I was looking at some of the other options available to me. eHarmony is a good one.
Let me explain the differences....

Match.com is when you get in your car and drive around looking for somewhere to eat and finally stop when you see one that looks good.

eHarmony is when someone knocks on your door and says "You are having Thai food tonight, here you go... "

So this would eliminate the enjoyable "man-shopping" aspect of the whole process. But something new to explore. So I am debating. Of course, since eHarmony is brought to your door it does have a slightly higher price tag -- feel free to weigh in and let me know what you think.
But as a parting match.com gift for all of you -- I give you the newest addition to the Meghan collection.

**Slight side note: I am a geek. There is no question about it. But my geekdom is something I have come to embrace. So, I own the Star Wars trilogy (the original) --- I saw all the Lord Of the Rings movies. BUT -- and that is a capital but, I draw the line at a lot of things. ***

So without further ado, I give you the first man who actually could construct a sentence, has no children and actually fits the age range I am looking for....

**Wizard85**


Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.

The man is wearing a CAPE, and RUFFLED sleeves.
And this is the ONLY picture he has posted.
I mean, if you are into the cape and the ruffled sleeves, that is all well and good. But -- give me something else to work with.

And there it is. We have met the illiterate (at several levels), the cowboy and now... The Wizard.
Don't ever tell me that I am not entertaining.



I feel like there should be more for you today, but not entirely sure how I follow a cape.
Plus -- it has been a LONG day here at the rock.
I see a cocktail in my future.
Maybe more than one.

Gotta run, that cabana boy has gone missing again --- right when I am ready for a drink.
When will that boy ever learn?

Urban Legend: The Sitcom is Dead

Now Playing: Damien Rice

So I am a bit of a pop culture junkie.
No issue with that. I am a child of the 80's -- it only makes sense.
I offer this tidbit of wisdom up as I try to explain things in my life these days.
I firmly do NOT believe that the sitcom is dead.
If my life was a reality show, no one would believe it.

It is more a combination of some of the following:

• Sex In The City -- minus a LOT of the sex
• Grey's Anatomy -- medical issues and urban family
• The Office -- crazy every day in this place
• Family Guy - minus the talking dog and freaky infant, but WAY loco family

And I am sure others....
So here are todays topics of conversation

1) match.com
2) my insane family
3) The March installment of 3AM weirdness

So, lets spin the wheel and see where we should start.
The Insane Family:
So aside from my mothers known "pack-rat-ness", my fathers propensity to drink a little more than he should and my siblings ongoing familiarity with correctional facilities -- we can now add "Crazy Grandma"
Little background on the QM (Queen Mother or Queen Mary in some circles)
She is 89
She is like four foot nothing (she has shrunk)
Weight -- a strong breeze could knock her over.

Caveat: I kinda think when you reach a certain age, you officially can reserve the right to not give a rats ass what people THINK you should be doing with your life. I now would like to amend my previous theory with the fact that you can do what you like in so much as it does not cause MASSIVE drama among the majority of your family, cause undue stress and most important serious financial dependecies.

So the QM was admitted to the hospital about 2 weeks ago. Come to find out nothing is medically wrong with her.
In the spirit of the month of March and the upcoming Irish festival of beer, lets call a spade a spade and just say that she has elevated "Martyr" to an art level.
She just wants to die.

So, they decide since she is a little forgetful, that we should try an assisted living facility as opposed to the retirement community she is living in. This is supposed to be a temporary gig while she gets her energy back.
Within 4 days of being admitted to the assisted living facility, my uncle, who lives in Cedar Falls is being summoned for a meeting with the director of the facility and the social worker assigned to the case.
The reason -- my grandmother has become (in 4 days no less) "combative" and "the most difficult patient they have seen in recent, possibly their entire history"
Those are in fact, direct quotes.
She got kicked out.
So this weekend she is being moved into a nursing home where my uncle is fairly confident she will continue with her award winning behavior. So, I believe I am off to Cedar Falls this weekend to help in said move.
Stay tuned.....

Now for the good stuff.
Not sure where to start with these two remaining topics -- but I think I will go with the 3AM weirdness.
Now, I had no intentions of this becoming a regular installment here, but fate as it seems has a slightly different editorial direction she would like me to go.
So you all recall last months installment -- breaking into my friends home.
This one is better.
Oh yes.
Better.

So - went out for a few drinks last night after work (thanks Carissa), watched some TV, read for a bit and was in bed round about 11:30/midnight-ish.
At some point in the evening, my doorbell rings and wakes me up.
My first thought
"Oh crap, I slept through the alarm and Martine is here to go to work out"
Then I remember, we didn't talk about working out and I look at the clock.
3:12 AM.
The doorbell rings again and again before I open the door. Lets just say I am so NOT sure why anyone would be ringing my door at 3:15 AM -- but all the scenarios I can come up with are not good.
There is a girl there.
My apartment does have a security door, so she wasn't at my front door, but the front door of the building. I live on the first floor, so can see right away who is there.
This is a girl that I DON'T KNOW.
I am in my robe.
I open the door.
"Hi --"

And she proceeds to tell me that she was being followed, got scared, can't find her car .... and so on.
Then I catch a wiff. She is REEKING of alcohol.
I glance around to make sure she is not trying to break in or something and close the door behind her.
She tells me again, she got scared, was walking home and decided that my doorbell was the lucky one.
So I ask her name...
Joy.
Joy, where were you tonight??
Hairy Marys.
Which is a bar. that is about 10 blocks north, and about 7 blocks east of me -- including a cross over the interstate.
And it is 3:15 am -- so this girl has been wandering Des Moines for at least an hour by my count. Bars here close at 2AM.
Ok -- do you have someone you want me to call?
Yes. So we go into my apartment, and I grab my phone.
Call the number.
A guy answers.
I am like, "Hi, I am here with your friend Joy -- she is really drunk, confused and scared and needs to get home. --
He is like "yeah, well call her a cab."
I stutter for a minute. Keep in mind, logical thought is a little bit of a stretch at this point.
"Well, can you come get her ?"

And he says -- no lie --
" call her a cab or take her home yourself"
and hangs up.
Like I didn't even have time to say 'Dude, I have no idea who you or this girl in my APARTMENT AT 3 AM is. This is SO not my problem'
Nope, the jackass hung up.

So I say, I will call you a cab. It is a good thing this girl couldn't find her car. Under NO circumstances should she have been driving.
She doesn't have any cash.
Neither do I as I went out for cocktails earlier in the evening.

So, I drive her home. At 3:20 AM. Good thing she only lived like a 2 minute drive from me.
When I get back, I see my voicemail light blinking on my cell.
The jackass (in all his considerate ex-boyfriend -- Joy told me they broke up just that day -- thinking) called me back from his caller ID to give me her address so I could call a cab.
How nice.
And as I laid in bed trying to get back to sleep, my fleeting thought was -- hmm. Being single isn't that bad and no way is anyone going to believe this crap.

Which segues soooo nicely to our daily installment of the Match.com update.

Its been another slow week here in matchdom.
Not sure why that is. But even a slow week brings out the best in our online brethren.
Todays lucky guy:
Sinner69
Who, I am sure, just chanced upon that number after his name.
So ... lets hit the basics.
Age: 27 --
Kids -- oh yes. 3 -- that is THREE.
Spelling -- can't.
Literate -- I would question that as well.
And here is why.....

About me and what I'm looking for
i have never done this before
but i am learning. i have 3 wonderful children and a dog. i am looking for some
i can call a freind. i have alot of life left to have alot of fun and like to
share that with someone. if this is what you might have in mind let me know and
we can see where it gos from there>

my job:i work for firestone tire plant as a mold changer and have
alot of time off.

favorite things:l like to try new things i like to go boating
travel and hove fun.

So there you go.
Can't spell. Three kids and so on....

And this is the kicker. He emails me.
And this is all it says....

do kids bother you?

No. Kids don't bother me.
I would love to have them some day.
What bothers me about you"Sinner69" is your lack of literacy, ability to spell check and ... this is my favorite.
There is a "status" indicator on your profile. You know, single, divorced, widowed, etc....
His status: Currently separated.

As in, not divorced.
As in, still legally married.
As in THAT bothers me.

I want everyone who reads this to go home tonight, grab your wife, husband, significant other, whatever you call them and THANK them for being in your life.
Thank whatever deity you currently espouse that you don't have to deal with modern dating.
Especially in Des Moines.

Now -- as this has been a marathon post -- I am going to call the cabana boy to bring me a Mai Tai.
A strong one.

As promised

Now Listening: Rachael Yamagata

Ok - now that my liver is sufficiently saturated with wine, I can begin to move past yesterdays events. Once more I will guide you through the precarious, sketchy, disturbing and downright weird waters of online dating.

Quick side note. I feel as though my thunder has been stolen a little. I say this, because I discovered that TLC is getting ready to start a show called "Log In For Love". It chronicles the ups and downs of online dating.
Bastards.
Never called me.
Never even asked me to send in an audition tape.

But, I digress.
On to the real reason you are here.

So, it has been a slow week in match.com world.
Perhaps my shine is wearing off?
Maybe word has gotten out that a wink/email to Meghan is normally met with ridicule, esmasculation and general humiliation.
For what ever reason -- slow week.
But not without its shining gems.
Meet: Wildcowboy 1963

Winner isn't he??

And how cool is it that I FINALLY figured out how to post pictures?

So, anyhew. Our man today -- 42 --

Yes for those of paying attention in the back, above the recommended age. Kids: 2 (teenagers)

And grammatical structure that a 3rd grader would laugh at....as Jenn pointed out.

favorite things:well I best things is making food for everyone in my family
l.also love to make cookies and fudge and bake other good stuff. i just love
cooking and baking.

So -- I really don't have much to say about this guy. I firmly believe this is one of those instances in which the picture REALLY is worth a thousand words.

So enjoy.

Do you think he liked Brokeback??

This is NOT a Test, Repeat, This is NOT a Test

Now Listening (as loud as I can stand it): White Stripes

Someone is having a laugh.
A good belly, shaking, hurt-your-sides-laugh.
Either that, or Fate is one twisted bitch.

My car got broken into last night.
So, lets get the facts, shall we??
**Puts on CSI-type Hat**

Meghan goes out to car this morning round about 8:30, walks to drivers side, opens door and says, rather succintly:
Mother Fucker.

My ENTIRE passenger window is all over the inside of my car, my glove box is opened, my stereo is hanging by a wire and the CD book that sits on my passenger side is gone. Keep in mind, the majority of the CDs are burned. So HIGH street value for those.

If you have been here before, I am sorry. As this is a profoundly shitty way to start your day.
So, call Cops -- send me to the "non-emergency" line where I get to leave a message, call work and go back inside to wait for the cops to call back.

They do. About 10 minutes after the call. They take all the information over the phone. Don't send out a car.
I then call the rental company to let them know and then the insurance company.
Now here is the funny part.
I just switched insurance companies LAST WEEK.
No kidding.
The check just cleared my account on Tuesday.
I am sure they are thinking fraud of some sort.
So, I am not even fully in the system yet. And the nice woman (and she was nice) says to me, "Ms. Smith, we are sorry, under normal circumstances we would have someone out there and get you set up with a rental. However, due to the fact that your full policy isn't even in the system, it will be 24-48 hours before someone is in touch."
Gosh.
Thanks.
Not that I can complain.

So, I go to clean the freakin' mess up.
Talk about insult to injury. Not only do I have to PAY to get this fixed, but I have to clean it up myself.
So as I am cleaning I notice that the passagner door is all scrapped up from where the glass scratched it. There is a HUGE gouge out of the front of my glove compartment and I will be finding pieces of glass in my car for the next 6 months.
Oh - and the assholes that did this took all the change out of my cup holder.

Side note: I park in a CARPORT behind my building that is not visible from the street. And this still happened. But the Acura (the brand new Acura) parked next to me -- just fine.

So, as I am cleaning, I notice another pile of glass. Seems our perpetrators were busy. They hit another car in the car port. So -- couldn't feel THAT bad.

Get the heavy stuff out. Bundle up, crank the heat and drive to the local car wash so I can vacuum all the other stuff out.

Then call for a rental and hang until they can drop one off. Thank god that they were fast.
I am now driving a grandpa Buick.
So -- I am going to drink tonight.
Yep.
Thats the plan.

I have a few golden matches to update you on, but that will be for tomorrow.

I will say after this glorious beginning to my day, I got to come into the office and was faced with one of the worst fashion faux pas I have seen in a LONG time.
1986 called -- they would like their Hair, Pants, Bad Shoes and EVEN WORSE shirt and jacket back.
Natch.

Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood

Now Listening To: Aqualung

So this was Meghan's "me weekend"
I had all sorts of plans for productivity and assorted other useful tasks to accomplish.

I did none of them.
I did get a massage -- that was on the weekend agenda. So I get one check mark off the list.
Natch.

Went out on Friday night with the Urban Family for sushi. After dinner we went to Fratellos for a drink. They were supposed to have a piano player -- it was more like high-class karaoke. By that, I mean it was a man and a woman with a music machine of some sort that just loaded song after song and they sang the covers.
Really -- it was as bad as it sounds.
But we discovered something new about Des Moines. If you are a divorced 40 year old woman who spends more time in one night than I do in a week getting ready to go out and thinks she can dress like a 20 year old OR you are a 40-50 divorced man ( or not, I am not sure) who thinks that your wallet can lure young 20-somethings to your side, then this is the place for you.
Crazy crowd. Martine was trying to work the "sugar daddy" side of the dating equation. Suffice it to say, nothing came of that. But -- if you are reading this and somehow fit the above demographic, check it out.
I somehow doubt that ANYONE reading this would fit the above description, but I like to share as much useful knowledge as I can.

So, it was an interesting weekend. Aside from my doing nothing -- I did work one night at the Cafe.
That was fun. Of course, the fun part was having "one shift drink" after we closed and then proceeding to drink until like 3:30 AM with a few like minded folk.
Been quite awhile since I have done anything like that.
As such, slept late on Sunday -- equally long time since I have done that.
But we got to sit around and talk about the customers we had. The drunk girl at the end of the night will warrant an entry all of her own -- it was that entertaining/train-wreck-ish.

Sunday, I went shopping with Martine and then we did some "man-shopping" of our own.
She enjoyed it. It truly is something you have to try to fully appreciate.
We shall see what will come of her picks, but we did have one gentleman who made us laugh -- actually most of them made us laugh, I just decided to write about this one.

Hopeful206
That is his username.
He is 41 years old and a big fan of "quotation marks"
And even though he has two degrees, I question the following entries on his profile:

My Ethnicity
When it comes to physical attraction, I prefer women who tend to be
full-figured or curvy

Favorite Hot Spots
When I do go out on the town, I enjoy places such as Appleby's, trips to
the zoo, or even museums.

So there we have it.
Your ethnicity is curvy women??? Not quite sure he understood the question.
And we are confirming the trend in the online dating scene -- Applebees is a high end hot spot for many people in the world. And zoos. I mean, I always think zoo = hot spot.
Keep in mind, he spelled Applebee's wrong. Which is almost as mind boggling as thinking that it is a hot spot.
Yes, he is the man for me.

Mom is doing well -- I believe. I haven't talked to them since Friday, but no news is good news.
I was going to go home this weekend, but going to spend another weekend in DSM -- I just need it right now.

Aiding and Abetting

So - there was some drama last night.
Which at this point in the afternoon, is rather entertaining -- at the time, not so much.
So with humblest apologies to Nate and Martine for what I am sure was a few moments of panic -- I present you with my entry into the criminal world.

So last night -- I went to bed at the normal time. Martine had called about 9/9:15 to let me know that she still wasn't feeling hot -- she sounded like crap -- and wouldn't be working out.
No worries. Set alarm, go to bed.
Fast forward to 2:53 AM -- my phone rings.
Not a lot wakes me up -- I am pretty trained to my cell phone and alarm. That is about it.
But with everything going on lately -- a call at 3AM made the heart drop for a minute.
Then I looked at the caller ID -- it was a Minneapolis number.
My first thought
"Someone is drunk dialing the wrong number and they are going to REGRET it"

So, I answer. Keep in mind my voice is somewhere between Kathleen Turner and a 80 year old with a carton and a 5th of Jack Daniels a day habit.

"Hello??"

"Meghan, its Mike McHenry" -says the voice in one of thickest Minnesota accents I know.
"The whole network is down, been down for an hour and a half -- we need to get hold of Nate and he is not answering his phone. Brice is in front of his house and he is not answering the door either".

-- Side note: our business requires 24x7 monitoring, so someone is always on call. When the "WHOLE" network goes down, this is bad. VERY bad. Thus their need for Nate.

Mike continues "Do you know the home number to their house? We need to get hold of him"

Of course, the house phone was disconnected eons ago. I tell Mike this.
We decide that I am going to try calling Martine's cell and then I will call Brice and see if he has had any luck.
Call Martine's cell -- right to voicemail.
Call Nate's cell -- 4 rings, to voicemail.

Call Brice --

"Hello"

"Brice, its Meghan"

"Hey Meghan, what are you doing calling?"

And I think to myself, 'Well we don't hang out anymore, we should talke more so I thought I would call at 3 AM and we could catch up --- '
"Mike called me. Any luck with the door?"

"No -- are you sure they are even home?"

This is how out of it they are --

"Yes they are home. They must be Ny-Quil'd out or something".

Keep in mind Martine is a light sleeper. The fact that no one has answered the door at this point is nothing short of amazing.

So Brice and I chat for a minute or two more about how to raise the apparent dead sleeping not 20 feet and a floor above him.

And then I do the only thing that I can think of at 3AM -- suggest Brice open the garage door and see if that doesn't rouse them out of bed.
-- Probably in a panic, but get them out of bed anyway --

So, I give him the code to the door.
-- Which I am fairly confident has already been changed, NOT to be shared with me again! --

He opens it. We wait a minute or two.
Next thing he says to me is....
"Um, Ok. I can't believe I am doing this. They don't have guns do they?"
He goes into the house.
I pray for two things:
well, three really
1) The door opening has woken them up and someone is coming downstairs.
2) They are not completely panicked about the fact that their garage door is opening in the middle of the night.
3) They are not naked.

At this point, we hang up.
And thus -- I have become a criminal.
breaking and entering.
Woo me.

I call Mike back. He lets me know that Brice and Nate are talking. I toss and turn for about 30 minutes feeling pretty bad about what we had to do and finally fall back asleep somewhere around 3:40 ish.

Find out this morning that Brice not only went into the house, but Martine's dad was staying the night as well.
Chaos.
Sent a SERIOUSLY sorry email to Martine this morning.
Hope she doesn't hate me.

And now, the word is spreading around the office about Brice and I. Offers have been made to break into other homes to really test our abilities.
I have humbly declined.
My one foray into the criminal world is complete.

And -- for those of you following the story -- the network was restored about the time I fell asleep. So, Nate worked his magic in short order.

This is my life.
Good times.

I am not a doctor and I did NOT stay in a Holiday Inn last night

Now Listening to: Death Cab for Cutie

For the record, I have a new guilty pleasure -- it is a song.
Golddigger by Kanye West.
I know its wrong.
I know it.
I can't help myself.
Really. I need like a 12-step program or something.

On the Mom front...
Went home again this weekend. That was fun.
Actually wasn't too bad. My mom is doing well enough to fight with me about cleaning out her den.
Her den which is really a landing zone for any crap she doesn't want to deal with: check stubs from 10 years ago, cards from MY 6th birthday, graduation invitations -- you get the idea. She was fighting with me over a framed print with a broken piece of glass. She wanted to keep it.
THE GLASS WAS BROKEN.
Her argument -- one of two things would happen.
1) One of her friends husbands would replace the glass.
2) and this one is my favorite, she would sell it at the "garage sale".
Now, I will admit, my mom has been through a lot in the last few weeks, Lord knows she has enough chemicals in her to run a small business for a few days....but who in their right mind would buy a BROKEN print from a garage sale??
Exactly.
No one.

So, as you can see Susan is back to her old self.
She did add to my crazy factor this weekend though.
So my aunt (Moms sister) who lives in Colorado was visiting for the week to help out around the house. Well, in the week that she was here, my grandmother ---mother to my mom and aunt -- is admitted to the hospital. Nothing really wrong with her except she is almost 90 and just has decided she doesn't want to eat, get out of bed.... basically ready to check out.
So my mom and aunt CASUALLY mention on Saturday that maybe my aunt should ride back with me and spend some time with my grandmother. Providing these two things could happen: 1) My other aunt would be willing to drive the two hours from Cedar Falls to DSM to pick her up
2) She could move her flight from KC to DSM and move the date and not have to pay big bucks.

I wanted to leave no later than 1 PM on Sunday. At 1 PM, they were still debating if she was going to come. At 3:30 -- I left. With aunt in tow.
Well of course, she had to stay the night because of who knows... so my weekend was spent with WAY too much family. And more medical drama than Grey's Anatomy -- which was great by the way.

Onto the Match front.
I have been doing a little man shopping this week. It is become a new pastime.
What is even more fun is checking out who has been checking ME out....

Well, I am pleased to report that we are seeing an improvement in spelling. It does seem that literacy is still a bit of a challenge.
I state very clearly that I don't want to date anyone with kids. Apparently they just gloss over that part.
So our man today...
Kids: Check, 2 of them.
Nascar: You betcha.

Lets see some of the insight he offered for me today:

Education:
went to Anson in Marshalltown and then my first year of high school I
went to West Mashall in State Center. After that I move to Des Moines and
attended Lincoln for a year and transfered to Scavo where I graduated from

Last Read:
The latest thing that I've read is papers at work including the news paper.
Oh yeah and the latest issue of Playboy

Now I offer this.... I don't think by "Education" they mean outline for us every high school you went to. I think they simply mean -- level of. And I am sure he reads Playboy for the articles.

Then there is the 41 year old with the 14 year old daughter.
Hotness.

A guy whose username is "Apocolypse Killa"

Hmmm. I wonder if my perfect mate is among them.
Really, if you need a time killer, sign up for match.com for a month. Really -- cheap entertainment.
Ok then. I think that is plenty for this evening.
Will keep you posted of any and all updates in the virtual world.