so i had a grown up moment this week.
chalk it up to being a little bit older. or a wild hair up my ass.
take your pick.

basically, i went out on a limb and let this guy know that i liked him, thought we should hang out a little more and whatever happened, happened.
and i was then informed that he did not feel like he had the time to give right now and was not looking to date anyone.

in all fairness, he did have the decency to tell me that to my face, rather than via email, chat or some other less personal, but far more comfortable medium.

glad i did it. i am known for saying what is on my mind. and 99.9 % of the time i do. except when it comes to the relationship thing.
might have something to do with the fact that i have not been in a relationship in like 3 years, but that is another entry.
so i decided, screw it. let's throw this out there and see what happens.
now, i am not faced with the "what if" game or my bad habit of over-analyzing something to death.
cathartic really.
of course now, i have sworn off men.

don't get me wrong. i was not looking for a relationship. right now i am happy living my life the way i am. well, most days anyway. i don't feel like i need to have someone in my life to make it more fulfilling. but if the right person came along, i am not going to run screaming in the opposite direction of something like that.

i am going to rant a little about the overall interaction i seem to have with boys, guys, men whatever you call them.

i always get the feeling that i am merely a stop somewhere along the path to the "bbd" the bigger, better deal.
not that i don't consider myself worthy, but anyhew.

so the guys that i have an interest in, i get no where with and the ones that have an interest in me, just don't do it for me.
i am sure this is nothing new. in fact, i know that it is not a new phenomena.

i know that the grass is always greener, but i am convinced that des moines iowa is not the place for me. of course, i moved here on my own accord, and it has been good professionally.
personally, i have some great friends, but that is where it ends. not that i need more.

i am starting to wonder who i am trying to convince. myself or the millions who will never read this.

maybe this is some sort of cosmic wake up call to work on me for a little while. although i am not sure what that means and if i am ready to go delving into.
so, it is friday and i am going to leave work early and clean my house.
aah, avoidance. one of my favorite tactics.

so it is my birthday.
and i am wearing some serious crabby pants today.
something inherently wrong with that.
i remember growing up i always assumed that 28 was so grown up and responsible. not that i am completely ir-responsible, but i wouldn't win any awards. I don't know. i wasn't sure where my life was supposed to take me, so i should not be so surprised that i am here. i still don't always know what i want out of life. i mean the usual, happiness, health, good friends. those are a given. although should NEVER be taken for granted. but what are the things that will give me that..job, relationship, self awareness???
still grappling with all that.
that and in the course of a week, my roomate and best friend from high school (the ONLY person from the hallowed halls of Lansing High that i still consider a friend) got engaged.
martial bliss galore.
blech.

don't get me wrong, i am not anti-marriage.
i would like to do someday myself. a fact that a number of people find surprising. i am just not looking to be married for married sakes. i would get married because i have found someone that i would committ the rest of my life to. someone who challenges me to be better than i am myself and i do the same for them.
it is just that we now enter the "bridesmaid zone"
it is a horrible place filled with pastel colors, stupid shower games, dresses that NEVER fit right and all kinds of girly things.
suffice it to say, i don't always enjoy my time here.
but in all fairness, it is supposed to be "their day", as it should.so, i will shut up and try and have as much fun with it as i can.


topping all this off, i am about to embark on a trip that could send me over the edge.
my sister is moving to virginia ( this is a good thing, a VERY good thing). however, she has to get her car out there, so my sister, my mother and myself are getting in the car in kansas, and not stopping until the DC/Virginia area.
any reports of a female going postal on family memebers in a neon should be disregarded as media exageration.
on the upside, my good friend, the aforementioned en-fianceed, lives in DC. So, i am taking a few extra days and going to chill with her in our nations capital.

maybe i will stop by george w's house and give him a piece of my mind.
ah, too predictable.
i will have to think of another way to let our decidely right-wing, anti-everything, war mongering goverment know how displeased i am with them.
suggestions are always welcome.
although, please don't write anything that could be picked up by our attorney general and land my butt at some federal facility.

ok, now i am really rambling. i should stop. especially since i am at work and using this as an avoidance technique. although anyone walking by only hears feverish typing which leads them to believe that i am working deligently.

i will leave you with this sage bit of advice that i firmly believe:
Spandex, it is a privilege, not a right.

ok, ok, been REALLY bad about this. supposed to be something for me and yet i don't have time for it.
grr.
the last month was a bit of a roller coaster. brother graduates from high school (finally, long story) ships off 4 days later to basic training where he is cleaning latrines at 2:45 in the AM. and this is supposed to train our youth to be part of "the greatest military force in the world"?
uh huh.
can't really say too much about his decision as it was just that, his. not the path i would choose. but i wish him all the luck in the world.

sisters are another root cause for all the "drama" this month. money problems, reproductive problems, the stuff never stops. my bank account and my motorcycle fund took a massive hit this month.
the bank of meghan is now closed.

so i rewarded myself with a new tattoo for getting through all of it without losing my mind.
i am sure there are those of you that view that as somewhat masochistic.
bygones.
3 hours under the gun and a swollen foot for 3 days.
but, and i might be a little biased, it looks hot.
really, REALLY happy with the work. Dave Connor at Mid Air and Ink in our lovely Des Moines does some freakin' amazing work. he will get all my business for a long time.
plus, he kept me company the whole time. as did the stream of friends that showed up to cheer me on and otherwise distract me from the obvious.

here is my one pet peeve about people who DON'T have tattoos...."did it hurt?"
WTF?
did it hurt? a needle is repeatdly going into your skin, in the same place for an extended period of time...
do you THINK that hurts?
it is not like a searing pain, or a burn, but an almost good kind of irritation. however, after 3 hours, yes, it hurt like a bitch.

and then my roommate tells me she is moving in with her boyfriend.
love the place i live, don't want to move, can afford it on my own (will be a little tight if i do) and the idea of having a whole place to myself sounds cool.
but then the reality kicks in and so i have begun the roommate search. i hate it.
i have lived with the same person for 2 years. we get along, no major issues and we hang out together. now, starting all over.
gack.