Urban Legend: The Sitcom is Dead

Now Playing: Damien Rice

So I am a bit of a pop culture junkie.
No issue with that. I am a child of the 80's -- it only makes sense.
I offer this tidbit of wisdom up as I try to explain things in my life these days.
I firmly do NOT believe that the sitcom is dead.
If my life was a reality show, no one would believe it.

It is more a combination of some of the following:

• Sex In The City -- minus a LOT of the sex
• Grey's Anatomy -- medical issues and urban family
• The Office -- crazy every day in this place
• Family Guy - minus the talking dog and freaky infant, but WAY loco family

And I am sure others....
So here are todays topics of conversation

1) match.com
2) my insane family
3) The March installment of 3AM weirdness

So, lets spin the wheel and see where we should start.
The Insane Family:
So aside from my mothers known "pack-rat-ness", my fathers propensity to drink a little more than he should and my siblings ongoing familiarity with correctional facilities -- we can now add "Crazy Grandma"
Little background on the QM (Queen Mother or Queen Mary in some circles)
She is 89
She is like four foot nothing (she has shrunk)
Weight -- a strong breeze could knock her over.

Caveat: I kinda think when you reach a certain age, you officially can reserve the right to not give a rats ass what people THINK you should be doing with your life. I now would like to amend my previous theory with the fact that you can do what you like in so much as it does not cause MASSIVE drama among the majority of your family, cause undue stress and most important serious financial dependecies.

So the QM was admitted to the hospital about 2 weeks ago. Come to find out nothing is medically wrong with her.
In the spirit of the month of March and the upcoming Irish festival of beer, lets call a spade a spade and just say that she has elevated "Martyr" to an art level.
She just wants to die.

So, they decide since she is a little forgetful, that we should try an assisted living facility as opposed to the retirement community she is living in. This is supposed to be a temporary gig while she gets her energy back.
Within 4 days of being admitted to the assisted living facility, my uncle, who lives in Cedar Falls is being summoned for a meeting with the director of the facility and the social worker assigned to the case.
The reason -- my grandmother has become (in 4 days no less) "combative" and "the most difficult patient they have seen in recent, possibly their entire history"
Those are in fact, direct quotes.
She got kicked out.
So this weekend she is being moved into a nursing home where my uncle is fairly confident she will continue with her award winning behavior. So, I believe I am off to Cedar Falls this weekend to help in said move.
Stay tuned.....

Now for the good stuff.
Not sure where to start with these two remaining topics -- but I think I will go with the 3AM weirdness.
Now, I had no intentions of this becoming a regular installment here, but fate as it seems has a slightly different editorial direction she would like me to go.
So you all recall last months installment -- breaking into my friends home.
This one is better.
Oh yes.
Better.

So - went out for a few drinks last night after work (thanks Carissa), watched some TV, read for a bit and was in bed round about 11:30/midnight-ish.
At some point in the evening, my doorbell rings and wakes me up.
My first thought
"Oh crap, I slept through the alarm and Martine is here to go to work out"
Then I remember, we didn't talk about working out and I look at the clock.
3:12 AM.
The doorbell rings again and again before I open the door. Lets just say I am so NOT sure why anyone would be ringing my door at 3:15 AM -- but all the scenarios I can come up with are not good.
There is a girl there.
My apartment does have a security door, so she wasn't at my front door, but the front door of the building. I live on the first floor, so can see right away who is there.
This is a girl that I DON'T KNOW.
I am in my robe.
I open the door.
"Hi --"

And she proceeds to tell me that she was being followed, got scared, can't find her car .... and so on.
Then I catch a wiff. She is REEKING of alcohol.
I glance around to make sure she is not trying to break in or something and close the door behind her.
She tells me again, she got scared, was walking home and decided that my doorbell was the lucky one.
So I ask her name...
Joy.
Joy, where were you tonight??
Hairy Marys.
Which is a bar. that is about 10 blocks north, and about 7 blocks east of me -- including a cross over the interstate.
And it is 3:15 am -- so this girl has been wandering Des Moines for at least an hour by my count. Bars here close at 2AM.
Ok -- do you have someone you want me to call?
Yes. So we go into my apartment, and I grab my phone.
Call the number.
A guy answers.
I am like, "Hi, I am here with your friend Joy -- she is really drunk, confused and scared and needs to get home. --
He is like "yeah, well call her a cab."
I stutter for a minute. Keep in mind, logical thought is a little bit of a stretch at this point.
"Well, can you come get her ?"

And he says -- no lie --
" call her a cab or take her home yourself"
and hangs up.
Like I didn't even have time to say 'Dude, I have no idea who you or this girl in my APARTMENT AT 3 AM is. This is SO not my problem'
Nope, the jackass hung up.

So I say, I will call you a cab. It is a good thing this girl couldn't find her car. Under NO circumstances should she have been driving.
She doesn't have any cash.
Neither do I as I went out for cocktails earlier in the evening.

So, I drive her home. At 3:20 AM. Good thing she only lived like a 2 minute drive from me.
When I get back, I see my voicemail light blinking on my cell.
The jackass (in all his considerate ex-boyfriend -- Joy told me they broke up just that day -- thinking) called me back from his caller ID to give me her address so I could call a cab.
How nice.
And as I laid in bed trying to get back to sleep, my fleeting thought was -- hmm. Being single isn't that bad and no way is anyone going to believe this crap.

Which segues soooo nicely to our daily installment of the Match.com update.

Its been another slow week here in matchdom.
Not sure why that is. But even a slow week brings out the best in our online brethren.
Todays lucky guy:
Sinner69
Who, I am sure, just chanced upon that number after his name.
So ... lets hit the basics.
Age: 27 --
Kids -- oh yes. 3 -- that is THREE.
Spelling -- can't.
Literate -- I would question that as well.
And here is why.....

About me and what I'm looking for
i have never done this before
but i am learning. i have 3 wonderful children and a dog. i am looking for some
i can call a freind. i have alot of life left to have alot of fun and like to
share that with someone. if this is what you might have in mind let me know and
we can see where it gos from there>

my job:i work for firestone tire plant as a mold changer and have
alot of time off.

favorite things:l like to try new things i like to go boating
travel and hove fun.

So there you go.
Can't spell. Three kids and so on....

And this is the kicker. He emails me.
And this is all it says....

do kids bother you?

No. Kids don't bother me.
I would love to have them some day.
What bothers me about you"Sinner69" is your lack of literacy, ability to spell check and ... this is my favorite.
There is a "status" indicator on your profile. You know, single, divorced, widowed, etc....
His status: Currently separated.

As in, not divorced.
As in, still legally married.
As in THAT bothers me.

I want everyone who reads this to go home tonight, grab your wife, husband, significant other, whatever you call them and THANK them for being in your life.
Thank whatever deity you currently espouse that you don't have to deal with modern dating.
Especially in Des Moines.

Now -- as this has been a marathon post -- I am going to call the cabana boy to bring me a Mai Tai.
A strong one.