The Last of the Firsts

I have to say that I have been dreading today for some time now.
Its the uncertainty factor of how am I going to react to everything more so than the day itself.
My mom died a year ago today.
The weird part is that I can't believe it has been a year. It seems so long ago. And yet, I could still give you a minute by minute detail of that day. In fact, every time I have looked at a clock today, I knew exactly where I was and what was going on.
The even crazier part of all of this is where I am at a year after the fact.
There is no way, no way at all that when all this happened last year I could have even in my wildest dreams imagined that I would be at this point in my life right now.
And in the craziest part of the circle of life day that today sorta is, we had our ultrasound today at the doctors office.
Ironic that as we are saying good bye to the last first -- we have all had birthdays, hit every major holiday and today the first anniversary of her death, I got to see pictures of my son on a TV screen.
And he is healthy, has all ten fingers and toes and is a surprising 14 oz at this point (21 weeks). You can see them too -- hit my Flickr link on the left.
I think that made the day better -- yet at the same time, more than a little bittersweet.
My family is all together today -- I just couldn't see the sense in taking a day off of work. Better to have something to keep me occupied, rather than sitting at home thinking about it.
Besides, life does in fact go on -- and me sitting around year after year on this day being especially sad, morose, or whatever doesn't really add up to how my mom lived her life. That wasn't her thing.
She would have looked at me and after a few comforting words basically told me to get over it.
At the end of the day though, it doesn't change the fact that not a day goes by that I don't miss the hell out of her. Especially now. Not that being pregnant has changed the fact that I miss her. Far from it, but to go through this without her is ...well, it just sucks. Not that everyone else hasn't been great. But its not the same. And like everything else with this situation you intelligently KNOW that its gonna be rough when you hit stuff like this. The reality of it however, is a whole different story.
So you cry a little, get a little pissed and at the end of the day, realize that there is another day and you still have a whole life ahead of you.
And that kids is what matters.

Now Listening: Till the Sun Turns Black by Ray LaMontagne