Back in the Saddle

Hello??
Anyone there??

***timidly peeks around the corner***


Hi.
sorry.
I have been a little busy. Finding a spare, witty 15 minutes in a row has been a bit of an issue.
So where did we leave off??
Well.
I have been toying with several options on on the online front.
There is the Executive Iowa Dating site --- $1000 for 6 months of personal matchmaking.
Which I can get a free interview for.... its just the rest of the process that costs all the money.
I had sent an email in to "pre-qualify" the men in Iowa.
Turns out there were 187 men in the state of Iowa that had ponied up the cash for the ultimate in mid-west matchmaking.
As I read through the email, telling me about the process and the free interview -- there is a caveat note....

"And please make sure to review our rates. It does not serve any ones time to
continue this process if you are not willing to commit monetarily"

Nice.
Code for: If you are cheap, don't bother.

I did go ahead and fill out the eHarmony questionnaire. All 400 questions of it.
This means that they have started sending me Thai food, I mean men to consider.
All of which seem to be BIBLE THUMPERS.
Now,I haven't joined anything -- so I just get to read the profile information that is presented. Here are some of the examples:

That the woman that I love would love Christ first and most in her life.

Of the three things you are most thankful for:
Jesus

And there was the guy that listed the bible in his list of three thankful things.

Now, I get that there are people in this world that have more faith than me -- shocker.
And I do respect people's beliefs.
But man, how the whirring, black boxes at eHarmony thought that we would be a good match is beyond me.
Clearly they were having an off day.

Oh and even though my Match.com subscription ran out, my profile is still there. So last weekend was the weekend of the 48 year olds.
No lie.
5 of them. All 48 -- maybe one was 47, but still.

48!!!!!

That is almost 20 years older than me.
That is a lot of years.
A lot.
TWENTY.
That is 2/3 of my life.

"Hello Meghan, I am Earl the Old Guy and I am 2/3 of you life OLDER than you"

This is how I think.


So there is the online update.
Any suggestions and tips are of course, welcome.

What else?
There is the drunken wallpaper event.
Went over to my friend Kim's house to have a girls catch up night. Saw lots of friends I haven't seen in ages.
Well, we had a few drinks, catching up and what not and Kim showed us her remodeled bedroom. She lives in a old home with her boyfriend and they are working one room at a time.
I think I can say without offense to anyone -- specifically Kim & Bobby -- that whomever lived in that house prior to Bobby had a significant addiction to floral wall paper.
All over the house.
No lie.
All over.
So, as we are looking at the bedroom, we see a small section of wallpaper in the hall that had been removed. And we start feeling the walls for the seams from the wallpaper.
And we found them.
Now, at first, I pulled back. I was ITCHING to yank one of them and see what happened.
But, not my house.
So we joked about it.
Finally, Kim said " Go Ahead"
You have never seen women move so fast.
And it was awesome. If you have ever removed wallpaper, you know how satisfying it is when you get a big piece. This stuff was coming off by the yard. We had the entire hallway cleared in about 3 minutes.
Now I am sure that Kim will let us come back -- jury is still out on Bobby (he was out for the night)

Post script: I found out the next day that not only did he like it, but after a few more drinks with the girls (I had left at this point) that the same thing happened in the dining room.
Lesson here: Never let teachers on spring break into your home and feed them wine. You just might be re-doing you whole house before they leave.

What else?
Family update at large.
Went to Cedar Falls this weekend to see my grandma and help move her stuff out of her apartment.
It was good/bad.
Good: Saw all sorts of people I haven't seen in ages. Funny how that is the only time that family manages to get together is when things head south??
But it was good.
Bad -- my freaky uncle from Maine was there.
He is an ODD man.
He talks with an affected Irish-like accent. He is from Iowa. He lives in Maine.
Huh??
Like so weird, that I can't really even describe. He didn't know what "Desperate Housewives" was. I mean, come on -- must be a BIG rock in Maine.
On the grandma front -- not good. Nursing homes are horribly depressing. We will leave it at that.

Mom front.
She made the trip up. Did her first round of chemo last week. But she did well.
She had an MRI on Monday of this week and we will know tomorrow if she has to have another surgery. This would fuse together some of her vertebrae that are begining to deteriorate in her spine.
Stay tuned for all the spiney-goodness. Details later this week.

On to lighter topics...
Headed to Chicago this weekend for Ms. Kim's big bachelorette weekend. Should be fun. Caused some serious fits for Martine and I. I have NEVER spent this much time and headaches looking for a hotel.
Few things we found out:

• Opening baseball weekends mean NO hotels in Chicago.
• No matter how much you think is reasonable for a decent hotel, it is not enough.
• If you really want to stay at a hotel, call them. Odds are they are not fully booked like the website says they are.

So, we have someplace to stay that is not out by O'Hare and does not cost $500/night.

Whew.

I am sure I will have lots to report when we get back.

I should go now. Jon Stewart is on. I love him. I want to have a million of his babies.

All Smashed Up

Now Playing: Sia

Apologies for the lack of posting lately. Things have been a smidge chaotic around here. Not an excuse really, just the reality of the situation.
That and this new keyboard is still giving me fits.
I am typing MUCH slower these days.

So another St Pat's came and went. This year was odd for me. Very odd. I ended up having to work at the Cafe --
So I show up at 4:15 to get everything ready to go and no one is there except the line cook and the Sous Chef.
They are sober.
Thanks god.

So, I go about getting my stuff ready. No host, no waitresses, no owner --
NO BODY

About 4:30 (we open at 5) there is a flash of activity from the kitchen and in storms the rest of the nights staff.
And they are drunk.
They have been out celebrating the holiday. And the owner was the one buying.

-- I SOO never get a call when those things happen, but that is another issue --

So I am at work. The head chef is drunk, the waitresses are drunk and the owner is upstairs passed out in his apartment.
good times.
Of course, it is slow.
So the other chef and I decide we need to start catching up.
We actually had a small dinner crowd. Closed early, but I had a group at the bar -- quite entertaining they were!!
THE CIRCLE!!!!!

Anyhew-- finally got out of there about 11, went to one bar that was sorta Irish (ok -- English, which might actually be blasphemy, not sure) it was kinda lame. So we ended up at my favorite neighborhood bar -- where the shots commenced.
So -- good that I can walk home. But get this....
I am sitting there with my drunk co-workers accepting the fact that I am never going to catch up with them and one of the girls goes to introduce me to this guy that is a good friend of her boyfriend.
Turns out he knows me ... I take a closer look. Yep -- he and I had talked online earlier this fall. Nothing ever came of it b/c the few times he asked me out, I had a conflict.
So, here I am 4 months later, half-blitzed and this is the first impression.

I rock.
I totally rock.
I swear, my timing is flawless.

So, who knows what will come of that.

Rest of the weekend was low-key.
Although, I spent the better part of Sunday driving all over Des Moines (and for those of you in bigger cities -- I don't expect sympathy, but it was a long day) looking for a good, quirky gift shop.
They don't exist here.
Seems odd. More than odd really. And we also discovered that any small business -- except the witch shop --- is closed on Sundays.
But the witch shop was open. Martine has suggested that if I really want to take this meet someone thing to the next level, I need to consider spells. I just might.
I also was shopping around for other online options for dating.
There are tons.

Like this one:
http://www.platinumsinglesintroductions.com/

Or this one--
http://sugardaddie.com/ -- Can anyone say pimp me out?

There was one that right after asking your name asked you your net worth -- but I can't find the URL -- dammit!!

There is http://www.perfectmatch.com/ whose claim to fame is that it was the online engine used in Must Love Dogs
Now, if this will bring John Cusak to my door, then I am in.
I somehow doubt this.

And then there is my new favorite....
Executive Iowa Dating

Now for a mere $1000 for 6 months, I can personally be assisted in finding the perfect match.
In Des Moines
$1000 dollars.
Damn.
Although, I have had two VC angels express interest in funding my field research if I promise to write a book AND dedicate it to them.
You know who you are "Legal VC, LLC"

So silly, silly me. I thought my options were limited. Turns out on the internet NOTHING is limited.


Which brings us to today's topic of conversation.

** I will caveat this -- the following topic could make some men who read this slightly uncomfortable. Deal. This is reality. Your wives, girlfriends, mothers etc will have to or have had to go through this at some point. Suck up. **

As we all know, Meghan has a growing family history of breast cancer.
Mom - yep.
Aunt - yep
Great Aunt - yep.

So, my doctor tells me at my yearly physical -- also known in some circles as "The Annual" -- that I have to have a mammogram.
Now.
This year.

For those of you that don't know. Most women don't travel this path until sometime after 40 -- depending on your doctor.
So, I am a clear decade ahead of most of you.

Now -- we all know the basics of the mammogram.
X-ray the boobs.

Lets segue for a minute...
It is clear there are things that men invent and things that women invent.
Corsets -- clearly men
Bras -- men
hosiery -- men
mammogram machines -- you guessed it -- men.

Now, I am sure there are some things about being male that can be less than ideal.
But I don't think that turning & coughing is equal to a machine SQUEEZING your boobs together between two plates.
And that isn't really the worst part.
The worst part is the weird contortions that the radiologist is doing with said boobs trying to get them into perfect position.
They are stretched, pulled, pushed, and all the while your body is being pushed around like a Gumby doll around a huge metal machine that emits radiation.
Frankly, I can't think of a better way to spend a gray Monday morning...
Can you?

Lets just say, I have started the countdown for the next one.
In two years


So with that long and somewhat graphic post, I am out.
Need to find that leprechaun that I stuck in my pocket on Friday.
He has my whiskey.

Can a celibate life EVER look enticing?

Now Playing: George Michael
--yes, George Michael. Go ahead, make fun. The man is an under-appreciated musical GENIUS

Happy Birthday Courtney!!!
And happy Pi day to you all -- get it, 3.14 ?!?!?
This is what too much NPR gets you. That is one of the only stations that come in on my half broken stereo.

So it has been a few days since I have updated. Lots to talk about today. I will start with the delay in posting. Seems I am getting old. I had a tendinitis flare up in my wrist.
Not sure how. Not sure what I did. Not sure where it came from.
But typing for the last few days has SUCKED.
So, I got a new ergonomic keyboard.
Now I am learning to type all over again.
Which is my way of saying, typos are a given in this post.

So what is new in my small little corner of the world, you ask?
Aside from my renewed --and some would offer misplaced -- obsession with George Michael -- usual stuff.
Medical drama
Online dating humor
Work and life

-- I am pleased to report that there are no 3AM stories in this post.
Or for that matter, any criminal behaviors.

So lets tackle them in order shall we?

Medical --
Mom is ok. Docs can't quite figure out why they cannot stop the spread of cells to various parts of her skeleton. It has only moved to one small spot on her liver (which is viewed as good news -- I will NEVER understand the medical profession) but, they continue to find new activity all over her bones.
So -- she is going to start chemo back up. Not the chemo she has been taking, that was mild
no nausea, hair loss -- any of the usual stuff.
Nope -- they are going to start filling her up with the hardcore stuff again. Not sure when and for how long, but that is that.

Grandma is not doing great. Back in the hospital. Getting the "if you want to see her, you should get up here pronto" vibe from family that is there.
Which is always a good thing to hear.
So we are all going up as planned next weekend.
Who knows what will happen between now and then.
But get this -- my mom and my aunt have started writing her obituary. And...this is the best part ... can't agree on what they want.
HUH?
I mean the woman is still breathing!!!
I told my sister that we can never be those people.

On to lighter topics.
Match.com vs. eHarmony: The Smackdown

So, my match subscription ran out this week. Which presented me with a dilemma. Do I renew for another month of sub-standard, illiterate, thrice divorced, 42 year old fathers of 8 or do I move on to greener pastures??
Age old dilemma I know.

So I was looking at some of the other options available to me. eHarmony is a good one.
Let me explain the differences....

Match.com is when you get in your car and drive around looking for somewhere to eat and finally stop when you see one that looks good.

eHarmony is when someone knocks on your door and says "You are having Thai food tonight, here you go... "

So this would eliminate the enjoyable "man-shopping" aspect of the whole process. But something new to explore. So I am debating. Of course, since eHarmony is brought to your door it does have a slightly higher price tag -- feel free to weigh in and let me know what you think.
But as a parting match.com gift for all of you -- I give you the newest addition to the Meghan collection.

**Slight side note: I am a geek. There is no question about it. But my geekdom is something I have come to embrace. So, I own the Star Wars trilogy (the original) --- I saw all the Lord Of the Rings movies. BUT -- and that is a capital but, I draw the line at a lot of things. ***

So without further ado, I give you the first man who actually could construct a sentence, has no children and actually fits the age range I am looking for....

**Wizard85**


Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.

The man is wearing a CAPE, and RUFFLED sleeves.
And this is the ONLY picture he has posted.
I mean, if you are into the cape and the ruffled sleeves, that is all well and good. But -- give me something else to work with.

And there it is. We have met the illiterate (at several levels), the cowboy and now... The Wizard.
Don't ever tell me that I am not entertaining.



I feel like there should be more for you today, but not entirely sure how I follow a cape.
Plus -- it has been a LONG day here at the rock.
I see a cocktail in my future.
Maybe more than one.

Gotta run, that cabana boy has gone missing again --- right when I am ready for a drink.
When will that boy ever learn?

Urban Legend: The Sitcom is Dead

Now Playing: Damien Rice

So I am a bit of a pop culture junkie.
No issue with that. I am a child of the 80's -- it only makes sense.
I offer this tidbit of wisdom up as I try to explain things in my life these days.
I firmly do NOT believe that the sitcom is dead.
If my life was a reality show, no one would believe it.

It is more a combination of some of the following:

• Sex In The City -- minus a LOT of the sex
• Grey's Anatomy -- medical issues and urban family
• The Office -- crazy every day in this place
• Family Guy - minus the talking dog and freaky infant, but WAY loco family

And I am sure others....
So here are todays topics of conversation

1) match.com
2) my insane family
3) The March installment of 3AM weirdness

So, lets spin the wheel and see where we should start.
The Insane Family:
So aside from my mothers known "pack-rat-ness", my fathers propensity to drink a little more than he should and my siblings ongoing familiarity with correctional facilities -- we can now add "Crazy Grandma"
Little background on the QM (Queen Mother or Queen Mary in some circles)
She is 89
She is like four foot nothing (she has shrunk)
Weight -- a strong breeze could knock her over.

Caveat: I kinda think when you reach a certain age, you officially can reserve the right to not give a rats ass what people THINK you should be doing with your life. I now would like to amend my previous theory with the fact that you can do what you like in so much as it does not cause MASSIVE drama among the majority of your family, cause undue stress and most important serious financial dependecies.

So the QM was admitted to the hospital about 2 weeks ago. Come to find out nothing is medically wrong with her.
In the spirit of the month of March and the upcoming Irish festival of beer, lets call a spade a spade and just say that she has elevated "Martyr" to an art level.
She just wants to die.

So, they decide since she is a little forgetful, that we should try an assisted living facility as opposed to the retirement community she is living in. This is supposed to be a temporary gig while she gets her energy back.
Within 4 days of being admitted to the assisted living facility, my uncle, who lives in Cedar Falls is being summoned for a meeting with the director of the facility and the social worker assigned to the case.
The reason -- my grandmother has become (in 4 days no less) "combative" and "the most difficult patient they have seen in recent, possibly their entire history"
Those are in fact, direct quotes.
She got kicked out.
So this weekend she is being moved into a nursing home where my uncle is fairly confident she will continue with her award winning behavior. So, I believe I am off to Cedar Falls this weekend to help in said move.
Stay tuned.....

Now for the good stuff.
Not sure where to start with these two remaining topics -- but I think I will go with the 3AM weirdness.
Now, I had no intentions of this becoming a regular installment here, but fate as it seems has a slightly different editorial direction she would like me to go.
So you all recall last months installment -- breaking into my friends home.
This one is better.
Oh yes.
Better.

So - went out for a few drinks last night after work (thanks Carissa), watched some TV, read for a bit and was in bed round about 11:30/midnight-ish.
At some point in the evening, my doorbell rings and wakes me up.
My first thought
"Oh crap, I slept through the alarm and Martine is here to go to work out"
Then I remember, we didn't talk about working out and I look at the clock.
3:12 AM.
The doorbell rings again and again before I open the door. Lets just say I am so NOT sure why anyone would be ringing my door at 3:15 AM -- but all the scenarios I can come up with are not good.
There is a girl there.
My apartment does have a security door, so she wasn't at my front door, but the front door of the building. I live on the first floor, so can see right away who is there.
This is a girl that I DON'T KNOW.
I am in my robe.
I open the door.
"Hi --"

And she proceeds to tell me that she was being followed, got scared, can't find her car .... and so on.
Then I catch a wiff. She is REEKING of alcohol.
I glance around to make sure she is not trying to break in or something and close the door behind her.
She tells me again, she got scared, was walking home and decided that my doorbell was the lucky one.
So I ask her name...
Joy.
Joy, where were you tonight??
Hairy Marys.
Which is a bar. that is about 10 blocks north, and about 7 blocks east of me -- including a cross over the interstate.
And it is 3:15 am -- so this girl has been wandering Des Moines for at least an hour by my count. Bars here close at 2AM.
Ok -- do you have someone you want me to call?
Yes. So we go into my apartment, and I grab my phone.
Call the number.
A guy answers.
I am like, "Hi, I am here with your friend Joy -- she is really drunk, confused and scared and needs to get home. --
He is like "yeah, well call her a cab."
I stutter for a minute. Keep in mind, logical thought is a little bit of a stretch at this point.
"Well, can you come get her ?"

And he says -- no lie --
" call her a cab or take her home yourself"
and hangs up.
Like I didn't even have time to say 'Dude, I have no idea who you or this girl in my APARTMENT AT 3 AM is. This is SO not my problem'
Nope, the jackass hung up.

So I say, I will call you a cab. It is a good thing this girl couldn't find her car. Under NO circumstances should she have been driving.
She doesn't have any cash.
Neither do I as I went out for cocktails earlier in the evening.

So, I drive her home. At 3:20 AM. Good thing she only lived like a 2 minute drive from me.
When I get back, I see my voicemail light blinking on my cell.
The jackass (in all his considerate ex-boyfriend -- Joy told me they broke up just that day -- thinking) called me back from his caller ID to give me her address so I could call a cab.
How nice.
And as I laid in bed trying to get back to sleep, my fleeting thought was -- hmm. Being single isn't that bad and no way is anyone going to believe this crap.

Which segues soooo nicely to our daily installment of the Match.com update.

Its been another slow week here in matchdom.
Not sure why that is. But even a slow week brings out the best in our online brethren.
Todays lucky guy:
Sinner69
Who, I am sure, just chanced upon that number after his name.
So ... lets hit the basics.
Age: 27 --
Kids -- oh yes. 3 -- that is THREE.
Spelling -- can't.
Literate -- I would question that as well.
And here is why.....

About me and what I'm looking for
i have never done this before
but i am learning. i have 3 wonderful children and a dog. i am looking for some
i can call a freind. i have alot of life left to have alot of fun and like to
share that with someone. if this is what you might have in mind let me know and
we can see where it gos from there>

my job:i work for firestone tire plant as a mold changer and have
alot of time off.

favorite things:l like to try new things i like to go boating
travel and hove fun.

So there you go.
Can't spell. Three kids and so on....

And this is the kicker. He emails me.
And this is all it says....

do kids bother you?

No. Kids don't bother me.
I would love to have them some day.
What bothers me about you"Sinner69" is your lack of literacy, ability to spell check and ... this is my favorite.
There is a "status" indicator on your profile. You know, single, divorced, widowed, etc....
His status: Currently separated.

As in, not divorced.
As in, still legally married.
As in THAT bothers me.

I want everyone who reads this to go home tonight, grab your wife, husband, significant other, whatever you call them and THANK them for being in your life.
Thank whatever deity you currently espouse that you don't have to deal with modern dating.
Especially in Des Moines.

Now -- as this has been a marathon post -- I am going to call the cabana boy to bring me a Mai Tai.
A strong one.

As promised

Now Listening: Rachael Yamagata

Ok - now that my liver is sufficiently saturated with wine, I can begin to move past yesterdays events. Once more I will guide you through the precarious, sketchy, disturbing and downright weird waters of online dating.

Quick side note. I feel as though my thunder has been stolen a little. I say this, because I discovered that TLC is getting ready to start a show called "Log In For Love". It chronicles the ups and downs of online dating.
Bastards.
Never called me.
Never even asked me to send in an audition tape.

But, I digress.
On to the real reason you are here.

So, it has been a slow week in match.com world.
Perhaps my shine is wearing off?
Maybe word has gotten out that a wink/email to Meghan is normally met with ridicule, esmasculation and general humiliation.
For what ever reason -- slow week.
But not without its shining gems.
Meet: Wildcowboy 1963

Winner isn't he??

And how cool is it that I FINALLY figured out how to post pictures?

So, anyhew. Our man today -- 42 --

Yes for those of paying attention in the back, above the recommended age. Kids: 2 (teenagers)

And grammatical structure that a 3rd grader would laugh at....as Jenn pointed out.

favorite things:well I best things is making food for everyone in my family
l.also love to make cookies and fudge and bake other good stuff. i just love
cooking and baking.

So -- I really don't have much to say about this guy. I firmly believe this is one of those instances in which the picture REALLY is worth a thousand words.

So enjoy.

Do you think he liked Brokeback??

This is NOT a Test, Repeat, This is NOT a Test

Now Listening (as loud as I can stand it): White Stripes

Someone is having a laugh.
A good belly, shaking, hurt-your-sides-laugh.
Either that, or Fate is one twisted bitch.

My car got broken into last night.
So, lets get the facts, shall we??
**Puts on CSI-type Hat**

Meghan goes out to car this morning round about 8:30, walks to drivers side, opens door and says, rather succintly:
Mother Fucker.

My ENTIRE passenger window is all over the inside of my car, my glove box is opened, my stereo is hanging by a wire and the CD book that sits on my passenger side is gone. Keep in mind, the majority of the CDs are burned. So HIGH street value for those.

If you have been here before, I am sorry. As this is a profoundly shitty way to start your day.
So, call Cops -- send me to the "non-emergency" line where I get to leave a message, call work and go back inside to wait for the cops to call back.

They do. About 10 minutes after the call. They take all the information over the phone. Don't send out a car.
I then call the rental company to let them know and then the insurance company.
Now here is the funny part.
I just switched insurance companies LAST WEEK.
No kidding.
The check just cleared my account on Tuesday.
I am sure they are thinking fraud of some sort.
So, I am not even fully in the system yet. And the nice woman (and she was nice) says to me, "Ms. Smith, we are sorry, under normal circumstances we would have someone out there and get you set up with a rental. However, due to the fact that your full policy isn't even in the system, it will be 24-48 hours before someone is in touch."
Gosh.
Thanks.
Not that I can complain.

So, I go to clean the freakin' mess up.
Talk about insult to injury. Not only do I have to PAY to get this fixed, but I have to clean it up myself.
So as I am cleaning I notice that the passagner door is all scrapped up from where the glass scratched it. There is a HUGE gouge out of the front of my glove compartment and I will be finding pieces of glass in my car for the next 6 months.
Oh - and the assholes that did this took all the change out of my cup holder.

Side note: I park in a CARPORT behind my building that is not visible from the street. And this still happened. But the Acura (the brand new Acura) parked next to me -- just fine.

So, as I am cleaning, I notice another pile of glass. Seems our perpetrators were busy. They hit another car in the car port. So -- couldn't feel THAT bad.

Get the heavy stuff out. Bundle up, crank the heat and drive to the local car wash so I can vacuum all the other stuff out.

Then call for a rental and hang until they can drop one off. Thank god that they were fast.
I am now driving a grandpa Buick.
So -- I am going to drink tonight.
Yep.
Thats the plan.

I have a few golden matches to update you on, but that will be for tomorrow.

I will say after this glorious beginning to my day, I got to come into the office and was faced with one of the worst fashion faux pas I have seen in a LONG time.
1986 called -- they would like their Hair, Pants, Bad Shoes and EVEN WORSE shirt and jacket back.
Natch.