Urban Legend: The Sitcom is Dead

Now Playing: Damien Rice

So I am a bit of a pop culture junkie.
No issue with that. I am a child of the 80's -- it only makes sense.
I offer this tidbit of wisdom up as I try to explain things in my life these days.
I firmly do NOT believe that the sitcom is dead.
If my life was a reality show, no one would believe it.

It is more a combination of some of the following:

• Sex In The City -- minus a LOT of the sex
• Grey's Anatomy -- medical issues and urban family
• The Office -- crazy every day in this place
• Family Guy - minus the talking dog and freaky infant, but WAY loco family

And I am sure others....
So here are todays topics of conversation

1) match.com
2) my insane family
3) The March installment of 3AM weirdness

So, lets spin the wheel and see where we should start.
The Insane Family:
So aside from my mothers known "pack-rat-ness", my fathers propensity to drink a little more than he should and my siblings ongoing familiarity with correctional facilities -- we can now add "Crazy Grandma"
Little background on the QM (Queen Mother or Queen Mary in some circles)
She is 89
She is like four foot nothing (she has shrunk)
Weight -- a strong breeze could knock her over.

Caveat: I kinda think when you reach a certain age, you officially can reserve the right to not give a rats ass what people THINK you should be doing with your life. I now would like to amend my previous theory with the fact that you can do what you like in so much as it does not cause MASSIVE drama among the majority of your family, cause undue stress and most important serious financial dependecies.

So the QM was admitted to the hospital about 2 weeks ago. Come to find out nothing is medically wrong with her.
In the spirit of the month of March and the upcoming Irish festival of beer, lets call a spade a spade and just say that she has elevated "Martyr" to an art level.
She just wants to die.

So, they decide since she is a little forgetful, that we should try an assisted living facility as opposed to the retirement community she is living in. This is supposed to be a temporary gig while she gets her energy back.
Within 4 days of being admitted to the assisted living facility, my uncle, who lives in Cedar Falls is being summoned for a meeting with the director of the facility and the social worker assigned to the case.
The reason -- my grandmother has become (in 4 days no less) "combative" and "the most difficult patient they have seen in recent, possibly their entire history"
Those are in fact, direct quotes.
She got kicked out.
So this weekend she is being moved into a nursing home where my uncle is fairly confident she will continue with her award winning behavior. So, I believe I am off to Cedar Falls this weekend to help in said move.
Stay tuned.....

Now for the good stuff.
Not sure where to start with these two remaining topics -- but I think I will go with the 3AM weirdness.
Now, I had no intentions of this becoming a regular installment here, but fate as it seems has a slightly different editorial direction she would like me to go.
So you all recall last months installment -- breaking into my friends home.
This one is better.
Oh yes.
Better.

So - went out for a few drinks last night after work (thanks Carissa), watched some TV, read for a bit and was in bed round about 11:30/midnight-ish.
At some point in the evening, my doorbell rings and wakes me up.
My first thought
"Oh crap, I slept through the alarm and Martine is here to go to work out"
Then I remember, we didn't talk about working out and I look at the clock.
3:12 AM.
The doorbell rings again and again before I open the door. Lets just say I am so NOT sure why anyone would be ringing my door at 3:15 AM -- but all the scenarios I can come up with are not good.
There is a girl there.
My apartment does have a security door, so she wasn't at my front door, but the front door of the building. I live on the first floor, so can see right away who is there.
This is a girl that I DON'T KNOW.
I am in my robe.
I open the door.
"Hi --"

And she proceeds to tell me that she was being followed, got scared, can't find her car .... and so on.
Then I catch a wiff. She is REEKING of alcohol.
I glance around to make sure she is not trying to break in or something and close the door behind her.
She tells me again, she got scared, was walking home and decided that my doorbell was the lucky one.
So I ask her name...
Joy.
Joy, where were you tonight??
Hairy Marys.
Which is a bar. that is about 10 blocks north, and about 7 blocks east of me -- including a cross over the interstate.
And it is 3:15 am -- so this girl has been wandering Des Moines for at least an hour by my count. Bars here close at 2AM.
Ok -- do you have someone you want me to call?
Yes. So we go into my apartment, and I grab my phone.
Call the number.
A guy answers.
I am like, "Hi, I am here with your friend Joy -- she is really drunk, confused and scared and needs to get home. --
He is like "yeah, well call her a cab."
I stutter for a minute. Keep in mind, logical thought is a little bit of a stretch at this point.
"Well, can you come get her ?"

And he says -- no lie --
" call her a cab or take her home yourself"
and hangs up.
Like I didn't even have time to say 'Dude, I have no idea who you or this girl in my APARTMENT AT 3 AM is. This is SO not my problem'
Nope, the jackass hung up.

So I say, I will call you a cab. It is a good thing this girl couldn't find her car. Under NO circumstances should she have been driving.
She doesn't have any cash.
Neither do I as I went out for cocktails earlier in the evening.

So, I drive her home. At 3:20 AM. Good thing she only lived like a 2 minute drive from me.
When I get back, I see my voicemail light blinking on my cell.
The jackass (in all his considerate ex-boyfriend -- Joy told me they broke up just that day -- thinking) called me back from his caller ID to give me her address so I could call a cab.
How nice.
And as I laid in bed trying to get back to sleep, my fleeting thought was -- hmm. Being single isn't that bad and no way is anyone going to believe this crap.

Which segues soooo nicely to our daily installment of the Match.com update.

Its been another slow week here in matchdom.
Not sure why that is. But even a slow week brings out the best in our online brethren.
Todays lucky guy:
Sinner69
Who, I am sure, just chanced upon that number after his name.
So ... lets hit the basics.
Age: 27 --
Kids -- oh yes. 3 -- that is THREE.
Spelling -- can't.
Literate -- I would question that as well.
And here is why.....

About me and what I'm looking for
i have never done this before
but i am learning. i have 3 wonderful children and a dog. i am looking for some
i can call a freind. i have alot of life left to have alot of fun and like to
share that with someone. if this is what you might have in mind let me know and
we can see where it gos from there>

my job:i work for firestone tire plant as a mold changer and have
alot of time off.

favorite things:l like to try new things i like to go boating
travel and hove fun.

So there you go.
Can't spell. Three kids and so on....

And this is the kicker. He emails me.
And this is all it says....

do kids bother you?

No. Kids don't bother me.
I would love to have them some day.
What bothers me about you"Sinner69" is your lack of literacy, ability to spell check and ... this is my favorite.
There is a "status" indicator on your profile. You know, single, divorced, widowed, etc....
His status: Currently separated.

As in, not divorced.
As in, still legally married.
As in THAT bothers me.

I want everyone who reads this to go home tonight, grab your wife, husband, significant other, whatever you call them and THANK them for being in your life.
Thank whatever deity you currently espouse that you don't have to deal with modern dating.
Especially in Des Moines.

Now -- as this has been a marathon post -- I am going to call the cabana boy to bring me a Mai Tai.
A strong one.

As promised

Now Listening: Rachael Yamagata

Ok - now that my liver is sufficiently saturated with wine, I can begin to move past yesterdays events. Once more I will guide you through the precarious, sketchy, disturbing and downright weird waters of online dating.

Quick side note. I feel as though my thunder has been stolen a little. I say this, because I discovered that TLC is getting ready to start a show called "Log In For Love". It chronicles the ups and downs of online dating.
Bastards.
Never called me.
Never even asked me to send in an audition tape.

But, I digress.
On to the real reason you are here.

So, it has been a slow week in match.com world.
Perhaps my shine is wearing off?
Maybe word has gotten out that a wink/email to Meghan is normally met with ridicule, esmasculation and general humiliation.
For what ever reason -- slow week.
But not without its shining gems.
Meet: Wildcowboy 1963

Winner isn't he??

And how cool is it that I FINALLY figured out how to post pictures?

So, anyhew. Our man today -- 42 --

Yes for those of paying attention in the back, above the recommended age. Kids: 2 (teenagers)

And grammatical structure that a 3rd grader would laugh at....as Jenn pointed out.

favorite things:well I best things is making food for everyone in my family
l.also love to make cookies and fudge and bake other good stuff. i just love
cooking and baking.

So -- I really don't have much to say about this guy. I firmly believe this is one of those instances in which the picture REALLY is worth a thousand words.

So enjoy.

Do you think he liked Brokeback??

This is NOT a Test, Repeat, This is NOT a Test

Now Listening (as loud as I can stand it): White Stripes

Someone is having a laugh.
A good belly, shaking, hurt-your-sides-laugh.
Either that, or Fate is one twisted bitch.

My car got broken into last night.
So, lets get the facts, shall we??
**Puts on CSI-type Hat**

Meghan goes out to car this morning round about 8:30, walks to drivers side, opens door and says, rather succintly:
Mother Fucker.

My ENTIRE passenger window is all over the inside of my car, my glove box is opened, my stereo is hanging by a wire and the CD book that sits on my passenger side is gone. Keep in mind, the majority of the CDs are burned. So HIGH street value for those.

If you have been here before, I am sorry. As this is a profoundly shitty way to start your day.
So, call Cops -- send me to the "non-emergency" line where I get to leave a message, call work and go back inside to wait for the cops to call back.

They do. About 10 minutes after the call. They take all the information over the phone. Don't send out a car.
I then call the rental company to let them know and then the insurance company.
Now here is the funny part.
I just switched insurance companies LAST WEEK.
No kidding.
The check just cleared my account on Tuesday.
I am sure they are thinking fraud of some sort.
So, I am not even fully in the system yet. And the nice woman (and she was nice) says to me, "Ms. Smith, we are sorry, under normal circumstances we would have someone out there and get you set up with a rental. However, due to the fact that your full policy isn't even in the system, it will be 24-48 hours before someone is in touch."
Gosh.
Thanks.
Not that I can complain.

So, I go to clean the freakin' mess up.
Talk about insult to injury. Not only do I have to PAY to get this fixed, but I have to clean it up myself.
So as I am cleaning I notice that the passagner door is all scrapped up from where the glass scratched it. There is a HUGE gouge out of the front of my glove compartment and I will be finding pieces of glass in my car for the next 6 months.
Oh - and the assholes that did this took all the change out of my cup holder.

Side note: I park in a CARPORT behind my building that is not visible from the street. And this still happened. But the Acura (the brand new Acura) parked next to me -- just fine.

So, as I am cleaning, I notice another pile of glass. Seems our perpetrators were busy. They hit another car in the car port. So -- couldn't feel THAT bad.

Get the heavy stuff out. Bundle up, crank the heat and drive to the local car wash so I can vacuum all the other stuff out.

Then call for a rental and hang until they can drop one off. Thank god that they were fast.
I am now driving a grandpa Buick.
So -- I am going to drink tonight.
Yep.
Thats the plan.

I have a few golden matches to update you on, but that will be for tomorrow.

I will say after this glorious beginning to my day, I got to come into the office and was faced with one of the worst fashion faux pas I have seen in a LONG time.
1986 called -- they would like their Hair, Pants, Bad Shoes and EVEN WORSE shirt and jacket back.
Natch.

Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood

Now Listening To: Aqualung

So this was Meghan's "me weekend"
I had all sorts of plans for productivity and assorted other useful tasks to accomplish.

I did none of them.
I did get a massage -- that was on the weekend agenda. So I get one check mark off the list.
Natch.

Went out on Friday night with the Urban Family for sushi. After dinner we went to Fratellos for a drink. They were supposed to have a piano player -- it was more like high-class karaoke. By that, I mean it was a man and a woman with a music machine of some sort that just loaded song after song and they sang the covers.
Really -- it was as bad as it sounds.
But we discovered something new about Des Moines. If you are a divorced 40 year old woman who spends more time in one night than I do in a week getting ready to go out and thinks she can dress like a 20 year old OR you are a 40-50 divorced man ( or not, I am not sure) who thinks that your wallet can lure young 20-somethings to your side, then this is the place for you.
Crazy crowd. Martine was trying to work the "sugar daddy" side of the dating equation. Suffice it to say, nothing came of that. But -- if you are reading this and somehow fit the above demographic, check it out.
I somehow doubt that ANYONE reading this would fit the above description, but I like to share as much useful knowledge as I can.

So, it was an interesting weekend. Aside from my doing nothing -- I did work one night at the Cafe.
That was fun. Of course, the fun part was having "one shift drink" after we closed and then proceeding to drink until like 3:30 AM with a few like minded folk.
Been quite awhile since I have done anything like that.
As such, slept late on Sunday -- equally long time since I have done that.
But we got to sit around and talk about the customers we had. The drunk girl at the end of the night will warrant an entry all of her own -- it was that entertaining/train-wreck-ish.

Sunday, I went shopping with Martine and then we did some "man-shopping" of our own.
She enjoyed it. It truly is something you have to try to fully appreciate.
We shall see what will come of her picks, but we did have one gentleman who made us laugh -- actually most of them made us laugh, I just decided to write about this one.

Hopeful206
That is his username.
He is 41 years old and a big fan of "quotation marks"
And even though he has two degrees, I question the following entries on his profile:

My Ethnicity
When it comes to physical attraction, I prefer women who tend to be
full-figured or curvy

Favorite Hot Spots
When I do go out on the town, I enjoy places such as Appleby's, trips to
the zoo, or even museums.

So there we have it.
Your ethnicity is curvy women??? Not quite sure he understood the question.
And we are confirming the trend in the online dating scene -- Applebees is a high end hot spot for many people in the world. And zoos. I mean, I always think zoo = hot spot.
Keep in mind, he spelled Applebee's wrong. Which is almost as mind boggling as thinking that it is a hot spot.
Yes, he is the man for me.

Mom is doing well -- I believe. I haven't talked to them since Friday, but no news is good news.
I was going to go home this weekend, but going to spend another weekend in DSM -- I just need it right now.