Saturday, August 25, 2012

Crap-tastic Post of the Month

I am sure that the utter shock to each of you that there is something NEW posted here is sorta more than you can handle. And for the record, there were 3 posts that I have started that are out there in half-finished draft form. Not that you will ever read them, as I am not sure where I was going with any of them after re-reading them.

There are many things that I could probably talk/vent about today. The political climate - filled with people who are straight up, "legitimate" bat-shit crazy. Not going to go there. Work - continues to be crazy busy and moving at like, Mach-150 on a pretty regular basis. Pizza - we still have lots and lots of it in our house. And really, I can't complain about pizza. Pizza is going to make me millions of dollars. At least that is the Plan. Might be Plan, A, B or C -- depends on the day. Could go with my weight - in the ever, literal, expanding and contracting of my waistline, we are currently on an upward trend. And not in a good way.

No, after months and months of silence, minus some micro-blogging on Facebook. And yes, I just said, micro-blogging. Who the eff am I?  Anyway, what has finally compelled me to take fingers to keyboards is shit.

I mean that in the literal sense of the word. Never in my life did I imagine there would come a time when my entire world would revolve around shit. And believe me, I thought at many times on the road that is parenting that I was there. But no, I really wasn't.
Allow me to explain.
We are potty training. 
And I get it. No one really wants to know the intricacies of potty training. The details, the fact that your kid did "a big-boy number 2" is just information that should stay in the sacred 4 walls of the bathroom.
And here is why, we all KNOW what potty training is about. We don't need a reminder. But I am going to go there as it has become all consuming in my world.
ALL.
CONSUMING.

Example: hanging out with your kid and watching him start doing the crap-baby dance. You know the one -- grabbing at the rear, pulling at the pants, doubled over because "my tummy hurts". You ask, probably about 85 times in a 3 minute period if they need to go to the bathroom, and without fail - they answer no. Fast forward 5 minutes and you find your kid crouched behind the potted plant in the front room filling his drawers.

Or, you get kid to bed ( in a pull-up) and go to do a few things outside. You are talking to the neighbor when you hear your kid yelling, Mom, Mom, Mom, repeatedly. Well, we are all familiar with the stall tactics that your average 3 year old employs to get out of bedtime. So on with the yard clean up you go. Until about 5 minutes pass and as clear as a bell, and roughly loud enough to carry into the next suburb, you hear -- MOM, I made a big poop.
You think, pull-up, all good. Nope, walk into the room where there is a small cat sized crap on the carpet and your kid buck naked from the waist down, saying "see, I pooped."

Or the other time at night when he comes down from bed, again, naked from the waist down, butt covered in crap, and enlightens you to his latest BM. Head upstairs, where he has dumped the pull-up, with complete man-crap into the toilet, because, well - that's where the poop goes. Pull the pull-up, which at this point weighs roughly 86 lbs as it has absorbed most of the water in the toilet, and he flushes. Where the toilet proceeds to almost overflow and you have to attempt to describe what a plunger looks like to a 3 year old with no pants on.

And today, the average, run of the mill trip to Target. After asking about 13 dozen times before we left, we get there and I get a "Mom, I need to go to the potty". So rush to the bathroom. Which of course, the family bathroom was full, so crammed me, the 3 year old and the 2 year old into a single stall. And after negotiating the toilet so we didn't get pee on everything (he is practicing his aim, you know). The 2 year old decides that SHE needs to go potty. Which for the record, entails her sitting on the pot, breaking a little wind and saying "I go potty!"
Please understand, I get this is a good thing. Getting both kids out of diapers/pull-ups is sorta high on my "wouldn't that be awesome" list. So I  don't mean to sound discouraging to her, its just a lot in a 4x2 metal  bathroom stall. So regroup, search for the cart to ensure that nothing is missing, fight over who gets to sit in the front of the cart and move on. For about 3.3 minutes until Finn starts bending over and grabbing at his butt. Zoom BACK to the bathroom and yes, victory. Now, I am not too attuned to the daily regular schedule of my kids bathroom habits, but I felt at that point that we were good for the day.
Oh, how very wrong I was.
That is what I flitted across my mind as I was staring eye level at a toddler butt with another one hanging off my back saying " I pooped too..." and then following that with me saying the words you never imagined yourself saying to another human being.... "bend over the toilet so I can clean your butt"
And the hits just keep coming.

So, add the fact that I still have to clean up after the cat,  I have 3 living beings that I am literally responsible for their shit.
I know in my heart all of this will end and that this is a means to an end, but when I thought in the early baby months that blow-outs over my lap where the worst that the Crap Fairy could send me, I was clearly fooling myself.

Dear reader, if there are any of you left, that is my reality these days. Trying to get out of the constant bathroom duty that is a 2 & 3 year old attempting to get out of diapers.